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abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: abm
Post Number: 2501
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 08:24 am: | 
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All,
Some of what Delores has said on other post about the mistakes Black women make inspires me to post what follows.
My 14 year old daughter likes one boy (B1). Another boy (B2) likes her. And she’s, of course, indifferent to B2 (“He’s ‘nice’. But Dad: He’s kinda ‘ugh’.”)
Both of the boys seem decent.
B1 is, perhaps, ‘cooler’ and better looking than B2.
But B2 is smarter (He’s some kinda math/computer whiz kid!) and comes from a MUCH more stable family (dad/mom are married, college grads, good incomes, homeowners, etc.). I’ve even swapped libations and tall tales with B2’s dad (who appears a stern, but loving sire).
I tell my daughter there may come a day when she finds B2 to be WAY more appealing than B1. She looks and giggles at me (in that dismissive way that only a teenage girl can effect). But I think or at least HOPE she’ll understand what I mean sooner rather than later.
I posted this because I believe that this scenario typifies what happens with Black women: They as young girls often choose/perpetuate style over substance amongst whom they like/date…and live to regret such later.
‘Tis not to suggest what I describe above is the sole source of issues between brothahs and sistahs. And I’m NOT blaming everything on the females.
Men are every bit as superficial as women.
But I do think this phenomenon represents a part of how our community is breaking down.
And, perhaps, if young Black girls were trained/convinced to choose what’s best for them EARLY in their upbringing, maybe they can help breed MORE of the type of men they’ll want and need as adults. And, of course, we should recommend the same such prudence to our boys.
Btw: B1 is very light skinned. B2 is dark. I hope this isn’t a factor in my daughter’s choice. But I concede it may be. |
mahoganyanais
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: mahoganyanais
Post Number: 266
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 09:34 am: |
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ABM: I posted this because I believe that this scenario typifies what happens with Black women: They as young girls often choose/perpetuate style over substance amongst whom they like/date…and live to regret such later.
Mah: I'm Exhibit A. However, mine wasn't a style over substance issue at all (in fact, I chose substance OVER style when I married). But as far as regret, I made a choice to share my life with someone else when I didn't even know myself. My first date with my future husband was on my 18th birthday. We dated exclusively and then married less than 5 years later. Marrying young works for a lot of people, but it didn't work for me.
A prospective (serious) date or mate be chosen based on solely on superficial criteria, definitely. But I've been thinking a lot lately about how one *does* choose. People change over the years, some more than others. I'm interested in knowing from people who choose to stay married (not to be confused with *tolerating" one's spouse), and have done so for many years, how did you choose your spouse? How have you weathered the changes that come?
Sorry, ABM. I think I just hijacked your thread. ;-) |
Cynique
Unregistered guest
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 01:20 pm: |
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Don't under-estimate the importance of tolerance because it plays an important part in a marriage in that it requires you to respect another person's point of view. And a spouse with a different point of view can help keep your marriage interesting. It is my further observation that your marriage has a better chance of suriving if you marry your best friend. And it does help that you like the way your spouse looks, especially if your are of a mind that a person doesn't have to be beautiful or handsome to be appealing in appearance. Somebody once asked Helen Gurley Brown the former editor of Cospmopolitan Magazine what she found sexy in a man. Her answer was that any man who found her sexy was, himself, sexy in her book. Now, that's stretching it a bit but you and your mate should belong to a mutual admiration society. But, naturally, nobody is interested in hearing advice when they are madly in love with a fool. |
Troy
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Troy
Post Number: 245
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 10:21 pm: |
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ABM another factor that makes this problem worse is:
B2 observes that B1 is getting the girls
B2 sheds what he perceives are his less desireable traits (math whiz) and assumes what he views as B1's most desireable traits (lets say, roughneck).
Most women will probably find B2 "WAY more appealing than B1" before they graduate college.
Your daughter is really young give her a couple of years...
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Kola
Moderator
Username: Kola
Post Number: 720
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 10:42 pm: |
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Why can't she have BOTH boyfriends?
That's what a boy would do.
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Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 2508
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 10:43 pm: |
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Kola,
Because I ain't raisin' no 'ho's in MY house! |
Kola
Moderator
Username: Kola
Post Number: 722
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 10:54 pm: |
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Well.....she's not going to SLEEP with them.
She can just be "friends".
IN ALL HONESTY...when I was her age...I would have chosen BOY #2 in a HeartBeat!
My teen heartthrobs were Nelson George, John Edgar Wideman and Malcolm X.
At 14, I used to play "make believe" and I was their wife and I would practice cooking for them and "masturbate" to their pictures from the back of their book covers.
I always had a thing for smart, Scientist-looking guys.
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Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 2509
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 11:14 pm: |
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Mah,
That's fine. Hijack away! So long as when the flight is over, we end up in the Bahamas.
Marriage is TUFF regardless of your age when you marry. Because just because you think you've 'found' yourself at 30 doesn't mean you won't get 'lost' again at 40.
We all change.
Some of what it took for me to love my wife 10 years ago is not what's most required now. Conversely, I've got to do some things now that I'd hardly thought about then.
FIRST, and probably FOREMOST: We love our children and believe DEVOUTLY they need BOTH of us TOGETHER to raise them.
I know that's trite, ol' fashion, etc. But that's what we both existentially believe. And that has helped us stay afloat thru a couple hurricanes.
And I didn't have my dad around.
Yeah. I'm a grown as man. Have managed to get educated, put together a decent life. Have no real complaints or regrets.
But whenever I think about my non-existence relationship with my father that $#@+ f@#%ing makes we wanna cry.
And I'll be DAYAM if I expose my daughters to that!
<<sniffling>>
My wife and I laugh and kid with each other and our kids...A LOT. In fact, people who spend time with us say "Yawl have such a fun time together!" Often times, when foks visit us, they don't want to leave.
Me and the missuhs truly are each other's bestfriends. We genuinely want the other to be happy, healthy and prosperous.
That doesn't mean we always do right by each other (Heck! I often screw-over my ownself.) But I think we know that even when we've made mistakes, they've never been out of malice.
And we like the same music.
I don't know. It's almost a spiritual thing.
But I knew I was in love when we were enjoying listening to Gershwin's "Rhapsody In Blue" together. We weren't even dating at the time.
But I knew at THAT moment that SHE was my wife.  |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 2510
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 11:23 pm: |
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Kola,
I was kidding about the "ho's" thing.
I agree that this age she should enjoy the attention of more than 1 boy. I was mostly noting young girls often reject a type of guy they desire later.
Soooo. You got your jollies to thoughts and pictures of Malcolm X, huh?
Well, as X might have said, get what you need, My Sister..."By ANY means necessary!" |
Mahoganyanais
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mahoganyanais
Post Number: 281
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 11:29 pm: |
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Cynique and ABM,
Thanks so much for your insightful words! |
Kola
Moderator
Username: Kola
Post Number: 724
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 11:37 pm: |
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ABM:
FIRST, and probably FOREMOST: We love our children and believe DEVOUTLY they need BOTH of us TOGETHER to raise them.
KOLA:
Now see, this is an ancient VALUE that will always make sense---you can't beat it. Thank God that at least Thomas and I agree on that one.
ABM:
But whenever I think about my non-existence relationship with my father that $#@+ f@#%ing makes we wanna cry.
KOLA:
See---that's why I fought those women down on the other thread about Thomas. He "IS" a good man, I don't care what his flaws are. To me----being a good father is more important than being a good husband. That's how I feel.
ABM:
Me and the missuhs truly are each other's bestfriends. We genuinely want the other to be happy, healthy and prosperous
KOLA:
Whoot. There it is.
_____________
I think it takes a certain amount of CONFIDENCE and MATURITY in a young person...to establish these "sensible standards" of ABM and his wife. And this is what our community at large is LACKING...these small sensible ANCIENT components of "respect for self, respect for the village"---that's all he's describing. Unity is easy....if you WANT it.
And we need to raise more young people who WANT that.
That's why I disparage "hip hop culture" so much. Everything about it is "vain-glorious", "mean-spirited" and highly "insecure". It designs a young person to self-destruct.
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Kola
Moderator
Username: Kola
Post Number: 725
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 11:39 pm: |
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ABM---
I "still" masturbate to Malcolm X.
Only sometimes, because of that damned MOVIE....it's Denzel gett'n it for a minute and I have to concentrate harder to get the REAL Malcolm back in focus.
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Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 2511
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 11:40 pm: |
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Troy,
Excellent point. A LOT of otherwise good, smart young Black males are corrupted by the apparent success their no-count peers have with the ladies.
Moreover, I wager you've witnessed/heard guys tell you or other guys that you've gottah kinda mistreat a woman in order for her to appreciate you. And a decent guy doesn't really want to believe that and behave that way, 'til he sees it work for guy-after-guy-after-guy.
Then he concludes, well..."I guess that's what they want!"
PS: The problem with women waiting 'til college to figure out what's best is A LOT of those guys B1's and confused B2 are drop-outs, unemployed and incarcerated, and the ladies are left alone. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 2512
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 11:47 pm: |
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Kola,
Well said and appreciated.
But when I attempt to imagine HOW we can encourage the hip-hoppers to get past all the booty-shakin', bling-bling and self-hate, my head hurts something-kinda-awful. |
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