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scullars
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 04:20 pm: | 
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Would love some feedback for the intro to my now-220 pp novel-in-progress. Don't have any readers and it's a lonely journey writing, which is why I'm soliciting hard for any feedback. See below:
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In the silence of her room, Tyne thought she heard him whispering to her. It came like that at times, the memory and fear. Followed by a tear-and-sweat struggle to maintain her reality, to know he was not there in her room hovering nearby ready to claim her.
She raised her head from her pillow and listened to the stillness of the night. Listened for the whisper again. One moment dreading that it would come, and yet waiting breathlessly for it. But there was only the distant sound of a motor which grew steadily louder as it approached then ebbed away, leaving her alone again.
In the darkness, her eyes searched the shadows but there was nothing. She let her head fall to her pillow, her forehead sprouting beads of sweat in a room that was 60 degrees. She willed her heart to slow to its normal pace and worked her glands to replace saliva that had dried. Emptied her mind of threatening thoughts as she lay quietly until her eyelids grew heavy and consciousness began to die away, as she finally succumbed to the somnolent pull of a tired body and mind.
The dream world quickly sealed her into a vacuum of vague shapes and faces, a faux reality recognizable only on a visceral level. Vignettes flitted one after another until her journey reached the last scene, the non-variable in her nightly excursions. Again, she found herself sitting at a long table laden with food that she could see but not smell. People, some known, others not, sat talking and eating. The women were in evening gowns, the men in tuxedos. April and Donell sat towards the other end, their heads together in conversation. Everything was as it had been before, except this time Eve was the one talking into her ear, chatting about some nonsense Tyne couldn’t understand. She looked down and saw she was wearing the same green strapless evening gown, a color that shimmered against the latte of her skin. She reached to pick up her fork to taste the leathery meat (steak?) on her plate, but at that moment, as always, a man’s hand fell hard on her bare shoulder. She looked up.
And then the table and guests were gone, and she and the stranger were alone. She stared where his face should be, but there was nothing but a dark void, an endless abyss into which her soul was threatening to fall. She sat trembling, waiting…
She woke with a start. Sweat poured down her temples. The clock on the nightstand said 2:47, only 20 minutes since she had drifted off. She still had a whole night of dreaming to get through. She didn’t know if she would make it this time. Or the next. One night her heart would simply stop and she would be trapped in her dream world forever.
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sisgal
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 07:08 pm: |
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Good start! |
Sarai
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 08:50 am: |
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Please don't take this the wrong way. But, what is the name of the book? Or do you have a title yet? What genre is this book? Or what is a synopsis of the book? I get what the introduction is trying to set up but, it is kind of hard to critique if I don't know where the book is supposed to be going or the reason that this woman is having such a crazy dream. |
scullars
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 09:28 am: |
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Thanks Sisgal and Sarai for your comments. As for the novel, it is a reincarnation story with some erotica. Two 21st century characters are both having similar dreams and soon meet and have a sexual relationship. They also happen to have been lovers in 19th century New York, and the ramnifications of that tragic relationship is now playing out in the present.
I have a long excerpt at http://www.sharoncullars.net/newnovel2.htm |
Cynique
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 12:16 pm: |
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You do have decent writing skills. How well you execute the premise of your story will determine if your skills go to waste. |
Chris Hayden
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 01:00 pm: |
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Scullars:
You should never do this until you have finished the novel. |
ABM
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 01:33 pm: |
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I agree, Chris. Scullar, I know that this may appear to be a good idea. But the result of it can from a creativity standpoint be tantamount to a self-inflicted gunshot wound. |
Chris Hayden
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 01:53 pm: |
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Scullars:
Do you want to know why I think it is a bad idea? |
scullars
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 02:50 pm: |
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Why? |
Chris Hayden
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 05:21 pm: |
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scullars:
Folks come up with editorial and stylistic suggestions that make sense to them but, since they don't know your whole plan and book, they just irritate you.
If that doesn't daunt you, I have a couple. |
scullars
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 06:37 pm: |
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I agree Cynique that execution of the plot is very important, which is why I'm being careful. I plan to play out more in the past and will be incorporating actual facts about Blacks living in 19th century NY, including parts of the infamous Five Points (from Gangs of New York and The Alienist).
Chris, feel free to pass on your suggestions. |
Carey
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 06:42 pm: |
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Hello scullars
I think i'm going to agree with Chris and ABM, this is not a good idea. As Chris stated, after reading your piece, my untrained eye would be prone to offer suggestions that could irritate and confuse you. Worst yet, if you were to recieve enough feedback that could be considered negative, "doubt" could erode your passion.
That being said, you appear to be trying to hard. If I were to paraphrase your piece with my limited memory (hush up Thump)I would say, A women was having a dream (bad dream) which found her at a table with others. She woke up scared and sweating. Again, that's what I got out of it and I wasn't moved. But hey, who am I? |
RED
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 07:21 pm: |
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OK
Hate to jump on Carey's inertube with him. But I agree.
That little opener didn't move me or intrigue me either.
The first sentence should be more striking.
You seem to have the makings Scullars, but you shoulda shown off something more riveting or just wait to finish your book.
Good luck.
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