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Justwrite
Newbie Poster
Username: Justwrite
Post Number: 7
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 03:25 pm: | 
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I read this in a post on a website called BlackTown.net. No wonder it's so hard for the sistas to get ahead. What's up with that, brothas?
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Posted: Sat May 08, 2004 7:12 pm
Post subject: BLACK WOMEN FAILED, FAILED, FAILED!!!
It is a shame that black women don't know what to say to motivate black men to become better men... SHE IS CLUELESS!
But the reality is that it is because BLACK WOMEN WISH THEY COULD BE THE MEN THEMSELVES AND SHE HAS BEEN TAUGHT NOT TO MOTIVATE BLACK MEN BUT TO COMPETE WITH WHITE MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND THIS IS THE UGLY REALITY OF IT; AND IT GETS WORSE EVERYDAY!!!! THE BLACK WOMEN IS STILL THE WHITE MAN'S MAMMY SLAVE AND PROPERTY. SHE CLAIMS SHES "FREE & INDEPENDENT" BUT SHE IS REALLY STILL THE WHITE MAN'S MAMMY SLAVE!!!!!
Black women don't have any plans whatsoever to improve the condition in the black community; even though she has been given quarter of a century (25 years) to do her thang. And yet, all she does is complain about our website even though it is filled with nothing but facts, facts, and more facts!!!!
BLACK WOMEN DON'T WANT TO ADMIT HER FAULTS AND FAILURES AS A FEMINIST. SHE WON'T ADMIT THAT SHE HAS BEEN USED, FIRST BY SLAVERY, AND THEN BY THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT TO COMPETE AND DESTROY HER OWN SONS AND BROTHERS!!!!!!!!
Black women continually want black men to "apologize" and "atone" for things that we have not done wrong.
The only thing black men are guilty of is allowing Feminism to go this far without being crushed and destroyed. IT IS NOTHING BUT THE SAME WITCHCRAFT THAT DESTROYED ADAM!!!!
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Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 150
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 03:56 pm: |
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My Darling Justwrite (You are a chick? Right?),
You should know by now that you shouldn't believe all that you read on a website. (Unless of course it was written by Yours Truly.)
But who knows. Maybe the sentiments above explain why so many brothers are alleged on the 'Down Low'. If you keep pace with a mighty Black woman, one must become one. |
Justwrite
Newbie Poster
Username: Justwrite
Post Number: 8
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 04:07 pm: |
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True dat, true dat. And yes, I'm very much a chick. (LOL) |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 395
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 06:32 pm: |
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What black women need to learn is to subtly manipulate a man the way white women do. Further more, anyone who has ever read The Willie Lynch letter, knows that The White Man is who originally f***ed up black men's minds, making him ripe for skewering by black women. |
Kc_trudiva
Veteran Poster
Username: Kc_trudiva
Post Number: 54
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 06:32 am: |
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justwrite: i can't believe you even entertained that nonsense...the person who wrote it, obviously has his own insecurities he's dealing with and needed a finger to point, so the black woman was the first person he spotted. and then he let his tongue go loose like a wild boar and spewed gibberish. ahaha. laugh at him and his rhetoric.
abm: no words for you. *rolling eyes* |
Yukio
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yukio
Post Number: 288
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 09:50 am: |
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Interesting, cynique. So, if not for the white man, how should the black man be? |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 214
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 10:47 am: |
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Yukio:
Re your question to Cynique I'd say that in many cases his attitudes toward white people and black men women and children (and himself) would probably be a lot different.
Justwrite:
If it was a black man who wrote this, which we don't know, this is the attitude of one black man as posted on the internet, which means that 9 out of 10, it is somebody posting something they wouldn't dare say to anybody face to face or even act on.
I have heard things like this from people of both races who, after saying it, went right on home to their black spouses or significant others and uttered nary a peep.
People use these forums to say things they would never say in public. They have and will. It is like bathroom grafitt. Internet talk. Nothing more. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 151
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 10:51 am: |
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Justwrite,
WHEW! Thanks for clearing that up. We all recently endured another gender-bender episode around here and let me tell you something, it was a...oh, well...on second thought, I should just leave that be.
Cynique,
You appear to agree with the BlackTown.net post. Is that true?
If so...hmmmmm?
You may have something there within your contrasting of the discharge of wiles between Black and White. But if what you say is true, I think you would concede that the exigency of the life circumstances foisted upon many Black women likely have unfairly denied many of you the opportunity to develop your more subtle feminine powers.
The degree of deluded self-importance that many Black people, male and female, suffer from never ceases to amaze me. Alas, when are we going to realize that we all are victims of the same game whose players use us ALL simply as chess masters wield they do their hapless pawns?
Kc_trudiva,
No need to utter not a single word. For there are some things that defy all human description. (BTW: I used to spank my daughters when I caught them "rolling eyes" at me. Care for a little ‘tap’? <<wink!>>) |
Yukio
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yukio
Post Number: 289
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 10:53 am: |
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Of course it would, ChrisHayden. I'm interested in Cynique's particular views. Your statement is an abstraction. |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 217
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 11:25 am: |
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Yukio:
My statement is a DIStraction. Not abstraction.
Abstract is your racket. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 153
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 12:22 pm: |
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Chris/Yukio,
Hmmmmm? Then, by comparison, I suppose my average statement qualifies as a ‘satisfaction’ (Ok. well, at least it is to me.). |
Yukio
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yukio
Post Number: 293
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 12:59 pm: |
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Yes ChrisHayden, your statement was a DISappointment... I didn't realize you were so sensitive. All you said was, the black man's attitude would be different...Really? For real?
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Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 399
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 01:02 pm: |
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Helloooo. My statement was really mean to remind that white women are not exactly shrinking violets and that they just approach de-balling their men in a different way. The relationship between men and woman is such a complicated proposition I no longer speculate about it - about why women want to dominate, yet they hate weak men. BTW, did anybody catch Chris Rock's rant on this subject during his latest HBO comedy special? I cracked up when he wound things up by saying the Nelson Mandela endured 26 years of cruel and unusual punishment in prison, but after he was released and decided to get married, he got a divorce after 6 months because he couldn't take it! |
Eviana
Veteran Poster
Username: Eviana
Post Number: 53
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 02:20 pm: |
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I agree with whoever it was that said that the person who posted this message is just using it as an excuse because of their own down falls. I'm sure both genders of this post will agree that women not only know how to motivate men, but we do it on a regular basis and 9 times out of 10 it's to our advantage. Meaning that if we think our man needs to get a raise at work, then we will put subtle ideas in our man's head. If we need extra money...well...we know how to get that too. If for some reason our man suddenly is unemployed then we know how to build back that confidence needed so he'll get off his rear and do what is necessary. We play an important part in our black men lives and have helped them to be what they are just as they have helped us.
Unfortunately, because of the way society is, there are more black women with degrees, well paid positions, but if one of these women were asked I'm sure she would say that she rather would have a man taking care of her than having to do it by herself.
I'm not saying that there aren't women out there who might not know motivate a man the way he might want it to be done, but as a whole, we know exactly what to do and are doing it. |
Passion
Newbie Poster
Username: Passion
Post Number: 16
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: 
Votes: 1 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 03:17 pm: |
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I think black men, worldwide, have hit an all time low for being selfish, whining, self-destructive sexist irresponsible maniacs...and their scapegoating of black women (along with the obvious cultural hatred that black males reserve for black women)...is especially unforgivable.
And I think that most black women are ENABLERS who, because they fear being alone/without a man, are accomplices in the downfall of the men by not having very high expectations for the men.
Black women continue to give "consent by silence" and do not stand up for themselves and hide behind the church (gett'n on god's nerves) or hide behind blond hair or hide behind a pork chop sandwich.
The whole black community, worldwide, is even worse now than the days when our forefathers were selling their very own people into slavery by the millions.
Black women are often called "strong black women"...but to my eye, most are really weak. I often say silently, "No wonder slavery lasted 400 years in this country. The women are exactly like African women--mostly weak followers who, out of loyalty to their sexist men, don't develop themselves."
The men are even weaker.
Black children remain the most unwanted, unprotected and unloved children on earth. Especially as it's increasingly acceptable for black people to just say they don't value/want black children--because they're not "IN" right now.
Too coarse and dark.
Everyone sits around all day romanticizing some faux African culture and internalizing/borrowing mechanisms of white supremacy and European culture--becoming more and more of the White Man they demonize and claim to despise.
Their children looking more and more like him...every day.
I wish the hell a black man would come up to me and tell me that it's MY FAULT he's a sellout, lost, whining Euro-dressed, "I only speak English".....I'm a KANG....bow to me!...inconsiderate, insensitive, self-absorbed, smug....jerk.
But OK...I admitt...I still love him madly. He's still my favorite man.
But if these men spent less time chasing hooni hoosi and reciting their macho-sexist bravado and more time chasing those DEGREES...then they'd have degrees.
And if black women would stop worshipping thugs, rewarding adulterers and condoning their sexist irresponsible sons....and would especially embrace "self-love" consciously and teach theories of "self-love" to their sons...then maybe we'd all be in a better position to move FORWARD...
...instead of backwards, rolling down a hill, as we have been...for a minute now.
Now excuse me while I go get dinner ready...for MY NEW MAN.
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Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 158
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 03:49 pm: |
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Uh oh, fellahs. Look likes we'd better strap on those athletic protectors! |
Passion
Newbie Poster
Username: Passion
Post Number: 17
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 04:04 pm: |
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By the way...I saw a picture of Chris Hayden! He's cute!!
Carey is "fine". I saw his pic before too.
I'm certain ABM is Billy Dee. (Wink)
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Yukio
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yukio
Post Number: 296
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 04:13 pm: |
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Thanks, Cynique...I thought CR was funny, too!
ABM: Thats funny! |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 404
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 06:47 pm: |
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Sounds like "Passion" has broken up with Thomas. Maybe he got tired of "enabling" her. Hummm. |
Passion
Newbie Poster
Username: Passion
Post Number: 18
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 07:57 pm: |
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Actually, what I meant to say...is Thomas is BACK.
Not new man. Sorry. He has new attitude.
Addicted to me.
You'd be surprised...what an obedient house rag I am!!
I'm the submissive one.
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Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 220
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 11:03 am: |
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Yukio:
Yes, "Really and for real" Some people are able to express themselves in a few hard concise concrete words--a talent you might seek to emulate.
Passion:
Cute? I don't look like a creepy scrawler of mad African American Vampyre Romances? There goes my public! |
Yukio
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yukio
Post Number: 316
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 04:48 pm: |
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ChrisHayden: No argument here. Some people are able to express themselves in a few hard concise concrete words. Yes ChrisHayden, brevity is preferable to me too. Yet, precision is my goal, as well. Now, what precisely your dis/abstraction meant I don't know.
As the sage Rodney "The Bruised" King queried, "Can we jus get along?"
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Soulofaauthor
Regular Poster
Username: Soulofaauthor
Post Number: 34
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 07:20 pm: |
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I have a question after 11 years of marriage and 13 years of being together my husband comes homes and tells me he has out grown me and i'm like what the hell does that mean? I mean i have heard of out growing pants but a person that b.s so fellows what do you all what from us.I work most weeks 7 days a week and i am working on my book and i have 2 girls sometimes i just didnt have the time to stroke his biggggggggg ego but i did the best i could why dont ya'll just tell us what you want instead of expecting us to guess fellas? |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 177
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:04 am: |
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Sounds like you are busy. So dude may just miss you. And maybe he's too proud to say that. So he instead doctor's up these confusing scenarios that compel you to focus on him. No matter how busy you are, you and he must spend some quality time (GOD I hate that trite phrase) together.
Otherwise, why are you even married to begin with?
And you must respect a man's ego. It is as important to him as a woman beauty and styling is to her. So "stroke" his "ego" some, and smile while you are doing it...otherwise, believe-you-me, he will eventually find some gal who will happily take up your slack. |
Thumper
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Thumper
Post Number: 129
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 08:32 am: |
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Hello All,
I have to say that more black men feeling are in line with the Blacktown.net post that not. I have heard that sentiment from when some black men want to justify their being with white women, to why they're 40 years old, with no job and still living with their mama. Listen, like Prince said, "Let a man be a man".
First off and most importantly, these black men who feel this way, need to STOP WHINING!! For pete sake, shut up, and take responsibility for your own lives, and stop expecting other people to boost up your fragile ego. Stroke your own ego. Take care of yourself and stop living off of other people. The "the Man is trying to keep me down" is played out. Hell, nobody can get your trifling butt up! When a man is living off a woman, his girlfriend or his mama, I ain't got time for him. When he spends more time playing his Playstation 2 than the does working a job, I aint got time for him. When I hear, by words or actions, men saying, "I'm a black man, respect me". I get ticked. I aint got to respect you, you better start respecting yourself. Be a man, live a man's life, and then your woman will do the same. |
Yukio
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yukio
Post Number: 327
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 09:11 am: |
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soulofaauthor: I'm not married, so my perspective is perhaps limited, but as others have identified, your behavior has challenged his manliness.
In the short term, I suggest you find some compromise between respecting and stroking his ego and he respecting your work ethic and passion to advance your person...in the short short term, one of you may have to compromise more depending on who can best handle the compromise.
In the long run, you must convince him that the time you spend and the fact that you can't cook him a meal every night, etc...(this was one of your examples in another thread), has nothing to do with his manhood nor your womanhood, but that you're trying to be a fuller person. In other words, somewhere down the road, he has to adjust his understanding of manhood, otherwise you'll always have this conflict, because you may come to the point where you'll have to compromise yourself to such a degree that to "stroke" his "ego" could cause additional harm.
Finally, no disrespect, but women are as guilty of wanting men to read their minds. I think people in general often either don't know what they want but expect their mates to or we do know and we allow our anger, disappointment, etc...to come out instead of explicitly addressing the real issue(s)...it is always someone's ego or pride...male or female... we both have them...
Good Luck! |
Soulofaauthor
Regular Poster
Username: Soulofaauthor
Post Number: 36
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 11:12 am: |
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ABM I feel ya A strocking I will go.And I to hate that phrase quality time to be honest I don't already don't have enough time in the day to do what I already have to do.But then I can see where my husband is coming from.3 years ago I was had cervical cancer and I didnt work for awhile so my husband did what he was suppose to do and get a second job.And now it seems he won't ever let me live that one down.I'm like you didnt do anything special you did what you had to. Thumper I agree expecially about the playstation 2 thing.I know my husband works but aint nothing cute about a 30 something man having more fun on the playstation than the kids. Yukio cute name by the way.Yea I admit I am not blameless in this and guess what I fianlly got me a day off and I am going to cook lol if you can call it that cause I aint the best cook. |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 420
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 11:50 am: |
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None of you focused on what soulofaauthor said about her husband saying he has "outgrown her." This is a red flag. Sounds like he's comparing her with someone who he considers more on "his level." Stroking his ego will simply inflate his growing sense of self-importance. Assuming she wants to keep his ass around, she should focus more on herself, maybe acquiring a little polish and sophistication and intellectual awareness. |
Soulofaauthor
Regular Poster
Username: Soulofaauthor
Post Number: 39
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 01:48 pm: |
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Cynique see that's the part I don't understand about him.He says he has outgrown me when in reality I am the one who should be saying that.I don't know maybe I have strived so hard in my field that I might have forgot that I am married to first a man then second a black man and all I do is work he should be happy about that cause he likes nice things but maybe in all the work I haven't been a good wife I don't know I thought I was a pretty good one that is until now. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 179
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: 
Votes: 1 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:41 pm: |
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SOA
I will assume you have done nothing untoward to his ego, he’s a productive, hardworking man and that he (nor you are) doin’ the ‘dew’ with someone new. Now, of course he his ‘ego’ may be bruised, he could be a shiftless glob. And he could be cheating.
But we seem to be skirting the most obvious of possibilities: The man misses his wife. Why focus on those other things, which, at this point, unfairly castigate him, when it could be as simple as dude wanting to be with his woman. Pardon me, but if he married you, I must assume he expected to actually SEE you. Well baby girl, looking at the schedule you recount, I must wonder when THAT can actually happen.
Now, I’m not blaming you, SOA. You probably are simply like most Black women: You are "caught up in the mix" of trying to "make it". And you don’t deserve any ‘hate’ for that.
But I ask you: If you are working 12 hrs/day, making frequent additions to book, tending children and assorted personal/household duties, then sleeping +7 hrs, WHEN can you and he actually spend time together?
SOA it takes time TOGETHER for a man and a woman to love each other. And that love is a continual thing. What it takes to love a 25-year-old man is not the same for when he’s 30, 35 then 40. Yet, we often mistakenly assume that after they marry they should be able go/do whatever they want so long as they can convince themselves that what they do is best for them, their careers, their kids...for everybody(thing)...EXCEPT...their marriage.
You can’t just decide, "Ok, we love each other, let’s get married. Fine. I do. I do too. ~Oh. Uh! Oh! Uh!~(honeymoon) Oh, by the way, I’m so busy I won’t see you ‘til ohhh about...Autumn. Byyyyeeee!" and expect that to work. SOA, just because you lovingly tied the knot 11 years ago (or even 11 days for that matter) doesn’t mean it will hold up to the riggers of today.
Of course I haven’t the foggiest idea about what "outgrown" means to him. Yes, the reasons could be as dire as Cynique appear to suggest. But that need not be. And unless you receive some evidence to the contrary, it is best for you/him that you presume his fidelity is not the issue.
Rather, I would presume what he’s saying is your worlds have become so distinct/separate that the reasons for being together have thinned to a near translucent state. Hey, if the only times your lives intersect is when you mistakenly bump into each other while making a 3:00 AM raids of the fridge or the john, guess what foks...you are ‘outgrowing’ each other.
My wife and I too often work +12 hrs daily. But a large portion of that time we spend working TOGETHER (and our kids help too). Even though we are busy, we are still laughing, joking and kidding all in between our duties. So our work has become a part of what strengthens our love.
So, based on my humble experiences, I’d suggest that you try to build a life where you can both purse your dreams while you spend more your most precious time together.
Sure changing what is required for you to do that might prove costly. It may even require more effort that you are willing to make. But THAT is only for you and him to decide.
Also, seek the counsel of people with live similar to your who (at least) appear to be able to more productively balance their lives. If you can’t find any other couple with schedules like yours, that, My Dear, is what can be described as..."a sign".
GOD Bless you and him, my sister. I pray that you and your husband make it pass this ‘storm’...together.
BTW: And, if, for example, you are working 12 hours/day in part to help pay for his spanking-new Escalade, maybe you seriously consider proposing to him that, to commit more time to working things out, YOU will reduce your work schedule if HE agrees to trade in the Caddy in for a more economical used Chevy Blazer. His response to such a proposal would speak volumes about how committed he is about working things out. |
Soulofaauthor
Regular Poster
Username: Soulofaauthor
Post Number: 42
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:26 pm: |
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ABM thank you their are so many things you just cleared up for me.And you are right I have worked to hard to pay for the fancy things that he so enjoys.As far as giving them up never my husband is a very materialistic person. I have known it for years just didnt bother me as much as it does now I guess.Now that is something I never thought of what it takes to love 25 year old man is not what it takes to love a 30 or 40 year old man.Maybe I been still treating him the same way I did when he was in his 20's but come on now sometimes you all make us treat you like kids.Let me go absorb all this new information I just took in. |
Eviana
Veteran Poster
Username: Eviana
Post Number: 56
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:55 pm: |
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Excellent advice Abm,
Where were you when I was going through my divorce (smile)? Although I sure it wouldn't have helped any.
Soulofaauthor,
The first question you should ask yourself is, Am I really willing to work this marriage out enlight of the fact my husband as clearly told me they way he feels? If your answer is yes, then have a heart-to-heart with him, because you won't get anywhere until you determine what's in your husband's heart (hopefully he'll be truthful-sound like he is). We can only speculate as to what you should do and what the problem may be, but we don't have your husband's input and can't really give you the advice you need.
Girl, talk to your man. If you've been together for 11 years, you know how to do that without it becoming a heated discussion. Put your marriage back on line, make the adjustments that need to be made so you can look back on this and smile because you didn't give up.
But don't be blind either. If all he said was that he has outgrown you, maybe that was his way of telling you he's not happy, but if you don't have that heart-to-heart, you'll never know. And as said before, good luck!!!! |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 424
Registered: 01-2004
Rating:
Votes: 2 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 06:58 pm: |
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Soulofaauthor, I still say that your husband telling you he has "outgrown you" doesn't sound like he wants more of your time. It sounds like he ready for less of it. Providing a man with everything he wants, always trying to please him can sometimes become boring to him. Take what Abm says with a grain of salt! He's a man. From a sista's point of view, you might consider doing things that won't allow your man to take you for granted. Cut back on working all of those hours and start pampering yourself. Give yourself a make-over, join a health club, enroll in a Yoga class, or take some creative writing courses at your local community college since you say you want to write a book. Enough of your self-sacrificing. Learn to love yourself.I am offering this different point of view because you need to get different feed-back on this situation, girlfriend.... Damn, do I sound like Oprah? OK, forget everything I just wrote, - if you want to. LOL |
Passion
Regular Poster
Username: Passion
Post Number: 26
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 09:05 pm: |
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SOUL/Author....I have to agree 100% with Cynique.
It worked for me!!
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Passion
Regular Poster
Username: Passion
Post Number: 27
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 09:13 pm: |
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I've had my man 7 years. Got two kids by him. We just got back together. Last 2 have been off and on. Very traumatic. But we're
DEEPLY in love.
ABM gave very good advice.
(BUT)
My experience is that when a man says something so cryptic as "We've outgrown each other". He is ready to move on and will need a total new attitude from you in order to reconsider.
In other words...you have to demonstrate that you 1) Can continue to GROW and 2) You're capable of doing it without him.
Cynique's advice, in this case, sounds more centered.
If you follow Cynique's advice, then either way it goes...you'll be ready to move forward and with your head up.
He sounds bored and tired to me. Possibly over-spoiled. Smothered. And you may not look as fresh as some younger thing out there who's giving more of a challenge and is NEW.
Check into that possiblity, so you don't waste your time.
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Carey
Newbie Poster
Username: Carey
Post Number: 15
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 11:26 pm: |
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ooouuuuweee, what's going on over on this street. Is there a cost for this service. let me get out of here, this is some .......some....oooouuuweee.
Carey |
Yukio
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yukio
Post Number: 330
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 12:43 am: |
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Soulofaauthor:
I think you should really think about Cynique's point...the "out grown" issue. I tried to address this issue when I talked about your long term program. Regardless of the amount of time you give him, if your behavior does not reflect what he thinks the role of his wife is, then the extra time you spend will only be a bandaid for a wound that requires surgery.
In other words, both of you need to explain who you are and who you want to be in the future. He may feel that he has needs that you can not meet because he as changed...or you have changed from who he thought you were and he can't deal, or a dosage of both...this is what it means to out grow someone.
You can live with folk for many years and never really know them because you get caught up in the routine of life... |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 181
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 01:26 am: |
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SOA,
Of course Cynique/Passion make some sound points. But I wonder whether they are jumping the gun at least a lil bit. Saying that he's "outgrown" you does not necessarily foretell disaster. We are reading a LOT into only ONE word that may not be true. Now if he had blared out "I don't love you anymore! I'm leaving right now! And tomorrow you should receive a summons to appear in Divorce Court!"...well then, SOA you know the proverbial die has been cast.
So at the very least, do as Eviana suggest and have a "heart-to-heart with him"...if for no other reason but to discern what "outgrown" means, why he won't help cook...why he plays those @#$%ing video games so often.
I don't know, maybe it is just me being a 'guy', but I haven't observed her expressed anything that is especially negative about him. Thus far, SOA has made no assertions/inferences that he's being unfaithful; shiftless: a deadbeat; physically, mentally or emotionally abusive, on the DL, cross-dresser, criminal, Bush/Cheney supporter (Ha!), etc.
All you've really said about him is he probably overspends (which, if you believe most economic indicator, you can include most African Americans in that category) and he devotes too much time to playing "Grand Theft Auto V" (which, though inane, is hardly grounds for divorce). I mean, really!
And of course, there there's the infamously nebulous "outgrown" comment, that even you at this point can't even define.
THOSE are reasons to give up on a guy? JEEZ! Well, no wonder Black men/women can't make it together.
And I find it interesting that you assume this guy is just being spoiled. Pardon me, but didn't SOA say that dude worked 2 jobs to hold things down while she recovered from her cancer treatment. I don't know anything else about him, but doing that hardly sounds like being spoiled to me. It seems to me that if he weren't at least at some point committed to SOA, he would have conveniently bailed on her after she got sick.
Also, we are only getting a small part of story. SOA you apparently is a hardworking person/parent. And I'll presume you're a talented artist. But those traits don't necessarily equate to being a good wife. I mean, no disrespect, but let's be real: You could, for all we know, appear to your husband to be a shrill, bossy, emasculating @#$%&.
Look SOA, IF you love the guy, don't play any games: Fight for him. If that includes eating some crow, changing your work schedule, tossing a few excesses/frivolities...DO IT. Most people who have survived a being married any period of time have had to humble themselves in some ways (LORD knows I have.). So there's no dishonor in your doing the same. And if after doing that, he still doesn't appreciate what you are doing and he refuses to reciprocate your goodwill, then at least you'll know you did the best you could to save your marriage and you can serenely move on with the rest of your life.
Because sure you should take care of herself. That's a given. You should do that regardless of the state/quality of your marital status. But when it's all said and done, when the kids/friends/creditors/strangers are long gone, it will be all about just you and him. And all of that "you-go-girl" stuff looks real nice/tidy published in an Essence Magazine article...until you find yourself needlessly left home...alone. |
Eviana
Veteran Poster
Username: Eviana
Post Number: 58
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 03:04 am: |
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I couldn't agree with you more Abm,
Soulofaauthor,
You've been with this guy for 11 years (and that was just in marriage), that's got to account for something. And as I posted yesterday, we don't know all the details, but don't just throw away what you have without honestly talking to your husband. If you do and give up just because he said he's outgrown you, then you'll always wonder what exactly did he mean by that word and if your marriage could have been saved.
It's easy to say we don't care and walk away, but just as Abm said when you do and all those who encourage you to do so disappear, will you be able to make it without knowing the truth. Talk to the man, we all say things to get our spouse/friend attention when we've tried to get it in other ways. Maybe your husband has tried something else and because of your work schedule you missed it, so he's trying another tactic. Don't give up until you absolutely have to. Been there, done that and believe me it's no fun by yourself after so many years. |
Passion
Regular Poster
Username: Passion
Post Number: 30
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 03:46 am: |
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When a man uses the phrase..."I've outgrown you".
That is usually far more serious than..."I'm leaving you...I need my space".
ABM is not a female.
He doesn't realize the many splendored lethality of "I've OUTGROWN you".
That means a man is tired of being with/knowing you...you're fat and less attractive to him now...
he's not amused by your jokes, kindness, affection...probably cringes everytime you call him "baby"..."sweetie", etc. Probably feels sorry for you.
And very likely has been dipping in someone else's pond--which is usually what it takes to bring a married man to say "I've OUTGROWN you".
As Cynique said...GET A MAKEOVER...become a new "character"....Do as Eviana said--have a heart to heart (which is really a fishing expedition, because guess what--he ain't gonna tell you the whole truth--you'll have to read between the lines).
On top of that...your own DENIAL will make you convince yourself that things are better than they are.
I'm not saying you're doomed. I'm saying you have to
1)be realistic to a fault
2)expect the very worse--because if you do--it probably won't turn out as bad as you think. But if you're in DENIAL...it's gonna turn out REAL bad.
3)be prepared to either fight for your man with everything you've got...or gracefully let him go...and as the old Robert F. Kennedy poem goes, he might come back to you.
4) THINK...like a MAN. And trust me, my sister...men walk away from women they LOVE every day to get women they WANT. Love ain't never kept no man. So think like a MAN. Men don't give a damn about "love". They know that if they leave you...they'll still be loved.
5) Focus on yourself...leave him to his decision...don't feed his hand. If he thinks you're devastated, he'll only want to devastate you MORE. Men love to be cried over. Don't do it. Surprise him by indicating that you're ready to be HAPPY without him...but would rather stay WITH him. Men generally don't feel sorry for women they've known 11 years. So don't accept pity. It only makes you more pathetic.
6) Give him the best sex ever...right now. Hopefully at this age you've learned the importance of doing sit-ups, crunches to tighten the vaginal muscles. This is VERY important as women get older. You should start now if you haven't been...go to the doctor and have them show you which muscles need to be tightened. It's very easy to do. Use vinegar and water after you work out--each day. **Some American women get it surgically done to be more like African women. It's a good weapon as you get older.
No use putting your hand on your hip if you haven't got "pucker-power".
Take him somewhere "outdoors" and turn his ass out. After it's over...DO NOT be affectionate, do not hold and be loving. DO NOT allow a conversation. Be...CLINICAL. Get up and scatter..make yourself busy. If he asks questions then say, "My god, what did we just do--was that us? Must be the start of me outgrowing you, too." And then LAUGH but smile at him.......real sweet and affectionate like.
And walk off. Leave his ass in the grass.
7) However you feel inside...tell him the TRUTH uncensored. But after telling him how deeply you hurt inside and don't want to lose him...go out for a "nighttime business meeting". Get a new hairdo. Have guy friends telephone the house. Don't be pathetic and loyal.
He has complaints, claims he did so much for you in the past. Tell him straight out, "I don't want to hear that shit. You're my husband! Everything you gave me...I deserved it...and more."
8) In my own life..I've always made sure there were certain "food dishes" that my man LOVES...but "dishes" that no other woman knows how to cook but me. That way...if he leaves me...he leaves all his favorite meals behind as well.
Believe me...men HATE to go without "creature comforts".
If you can cook...hopefully you have special recipes that no other woman can duplicate--hopefully you have given him back rubs that he's USED to. And above all else, make sure he knows that once he leaves you....he gets no more P----.
From you.
9) PRAY to your God for the "pureness" of your own inner voice. Listen to it...and then KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Don't share any of that information with him.
Life is not a warm, fuzzy T.V. drama. Men don't give a damn about your soul. That's YOUR responsibility.
Always remember...he doesn't have any reason to LIVE with you when he KNOWS that you will love him no matter where he lives.
10) If he leaves you....start having "recreational sex" with someone else immediately. This is for Psychological reasons.
And this is the #1 thing that women DON'T DO that makes it hard for them to get over a relationship. Trust me. Most men, when they break up, IMMEDIATELY start having sex with someone else--because it erases the fear that "nobody else is gonna want me"..."I can't make it without that certain person". This is a powerful and important psychological tactic that will empower you. Sure, it's masculine...but do it. Get a much younger man and just be a whore for a while--practice safe sex--but get sexed right away and often as possible. Remember--it's a lot of fun being a whore if you give yourself permission to have fun and to be single.
You should be too old by now to have pretentions.
Force your brain to realize that you really do have a future without your husband or without "love".
Love comes to those who claim they no longer need or want it. Start having FUN...and "love" will come and STOP all the fun.
Of course, the heartbreak takes YEARS to mend/subside. But my god, don't hold on to it like a pillow.
Let it go. And don't write a book about it YET. My god, spare us.
Give it some years.
_____________________
I've broken up with my man several times in the last 2 years...but he ALWAYS.....comes running back, treats me better and lavishes me with love and attention.
Our problem is my career. I refuse to give it up or alter it. He wants to get married and move us to his country--so he can control me and have me at his macho mercy.
But I treat him like a King, I baby and spoil him (I LOOVE him, he's the only man I've ever loved)...but I always make it clear that if he doesn't want to be my man....I can always find somebody else who does.
I love myself MORE than I love him...and I make sure that he knows that.
**Of course...I could be wrong about everything I've just told you. But it works for me.
And believe me...I really LOVE men...but I have learned that "love" is not enough. And women have to wake up from their delusions and think more like men and be more selfish.
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Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 182
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 02:40 pm: |
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WARNING: Lewd and Politically Incorrect commentary will follow.
Passion,
Well...I don’t know about the others, but I am stunned, aroused, insulted, engaged, chilled, thrilled, angry, elated, numb and erect all at the same time.
Do you give seminars on that kind of stuff?
Because girl, with all that fire, you must be so good in bed I’ll bet the local male dawgs howl and lick themselves whenever you walk down the street.
Fellas,
Don’t you just love, Passion.
I mean, really, she’s the kind of chick you feel you wanna to both fight and f@#$...maybe at the exact same time.
Passion, I’m telling you, after I die, I’m going to come back here as maybe, I don’t know, a Black stallion. So, if one day a horse boldly prances up to you, ~neys~, ~snorts~, then suddenly rises unto his hind legs and flashes you his manhood. Don’t be alarmed...it’s only me. |
Carey
Newbie Poster
Username: Carey
Post Number: 18
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 02:54 pm: |
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Bottom line:
When the fire is gone it's gone, nothing, NOTHING can bring it back. Too much baggage to many roads paved, when it's over it's over! We are dealing with several strong charecter defects, the need for control, power, misplaced obedience, immaturity and insecurity. Let's face it, you can lead a horse to water but you .........
A dog can't change his spots. And ain't no fool like an old fool.......Period!
Great discussion albiet gender slanted.
Carey |
Kc_trudiva
Veteran Poster
Username: Kc_trudiva
Post Number: 56
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 03:31 pm: |
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*eyebrow stuck in up position* OH MY! okay, like ABM i don't know whether to be excited or stunned. passion, you made some really good points and like you said "have worked for you." but i'm sure you've kept in mind that what works for you won't necessarily work for someone else. although (i reiterate) you made some good points. **duly noting some stuff**
abm, just when i was about to compliment your post you went back to being your old self...i haven't quite figured out the word(s) i'd use to describe you yet.
soulofaauthor, i just say to follow your "sane" mind because the heart always has a tendency to get us in trouble; it causes us to make "emotionally driven" decisions. those aren't always the best ones. i'll assume you're at least entertained by most of these responses. i know i am. |
Yukio
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yukio
Post Number: 333
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 03:38 pm: |
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carey: Yes...if you are saying that this is really not about gender I agree...the form is gender but the content is basic human conflict. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 183
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 04:21 pm: |
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Kc_trudiva,
Try ‘cosmic’, ‘omniscient’, ‘imperial’, ‘dazzling’, ‘hypnotic’, ‘lickable’...Oh, and don’t forget ‘well-endowed’.
My Darling, to "describe" me, one must first ‘know’, ‘feel’ and ‘see’ the full glory in me...that be. |
Thumper
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Thumper
Post Number: 133
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 06:30 pm: |
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Hello All,
ABM: You wrote: "My Darling, to "describe" me, one must first ‘know’, ‘feel’ and ‘see’ the full glory in me...that be."
And without a magnifying glass or infared vision she won't see that, right? *eyebrow raised*
SOA: Congratulations for living through cancer!Listen. You can try to mold yourself into what you think your husband need, want or desire, and you will lose yourself in the process. He could be one of those men that feels he has to constantly push something in order to feel his manhood. Taking care of you and your family during your illness was just the thing he needed to feel needed. A long time ago, my mother said the same thing about my father. When I was younger, my mother use to take summers off from work and we were very much a two income family. She said that was the only time my father acted as if he had some sense because the whole house rested on his shoulders. He was the MAN, doing what MEN do taking care of his family. Now all of the advice that everyone is giving you sounds good and all. But it's hard for men to find their true manhood. It sounds like your husband is on his journey to finding his. All I do know is that there is nothing you can do about it, he has to do this one all on his own. |
Kc_trudiva
Veteran Poster
Username: Kc_trudiva
Post Number: 58
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 07:51 am: |
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thumper wrote: "and without a magnifying glass or infared vision she won't see that, right?"
ahaha, good one.
abm wrote: "...oh and don't forget, 'well endowed'. i guess thumper has a point 'cause with the magnifying glass "it" does look really big. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 189
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 10:40 am: |
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Thumper,
'Jealousy' is such an ugly word.
Kc_trudiva,
Ok now. I am TRYING to lay off some of the phallic funnies. But if you keep that up, I'm going to 'chastise' around with my...* |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 190
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 10:48 am: |
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Kc_trudiva,
Uh, oh...dyslexia moment. What I meant to say in the prior post was "But if you keep that up, I'm going to 'chastise' you with my...*" But hey. Maybe that’s was my subconscious telling me to "keep ‘it’ in my pant". |
Soulofaauthor
Regular Poster
Username: Soulofaauthor
Post Number: 43
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 02:55 pm: |
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I want to first thank all of you for all the good advice.I was given I did sit down and have along talk with my man.I finally realized what he meant by he has outgrown me.Actually what he said and I do have a habit of taking things the wrong way.Well actually I say he really said it the wrong way.I am lucky to care enough and to seek the adice of others before I jumped off the handle on this one.My man actually was tired of the work load I have taken on.So we just got back from a much needed vacation.We have decided to both lighten our work load and take some time just for us.The girls will both be going to camp this summer so we will have alot of time for us to be together.I want to thank you all again |
Akaivyleaf
Veteran Poster
Username: Akaivyleaf
Post Number: 64
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 04:34 pm: |
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Funny that I should read this line of posts today and it seems to be a very opportune time in my life. Passion I must thank you in advance for one statement that you made:
3)be prepared to either fight for your man with everything you've got...or gracefully let him go...and as the old Robert F. Kennedy poem goes, he might come back to you.
I'll let you know how that turns out in a couple of weeks. My man and I are taking a two week hiatus from one another, not planned as such but its worked out as a much needed hiatus to reevaluate where we stand with each other and you're right... Prepare to gracefully let go! |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 474
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 05:12 pm: |
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Soulofaauthor, I'm glad you took the advice of those who told you to open up the lines of communication. When all is said and done, that's the bottom line.
Akaivyleaf, you're on the right track. Never underestimate the power of letting a man go. It can be good for your self-esteem, and - deflating for his... |
Eviana
AALBC .com Platinum Poster
Username: Eviana
Post Number: 83
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 27, 2004 - 01:47 am: |
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Soulofaauthor,
I noticed that you hadn't posted since everyone was giving you advice and was hoping that the two of you was working it out. Thanks for trusting us enough to share what must have been a trying time for you. Hope things continue to work out for the two of you and may God Bless. |
Soulofaauthor
Regular Poster
Username: Soulofaauthor
Post Number: 46
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 27, 2004 - 09:13 pm: |
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Cynique that's true about the communciation being the key and I think for my part I had forgotten that.It's kind of easy when you get so use to one person.No eviana I had not been posting lately me and my husband decided to take a break we needed it we hadn't been anywhere alone together for year's it was fun .I feel like a teenager again well maybe not a teenager but you know what I mean.Anyway all of the advice was good and I really needed it. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 238
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, May 27, 2004 - 11:35 pm: |
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Soulofaauthor,
I am thrilled that you and your husband are trying to patch things up! In this time where we are prone to think the worst of each other and act accordingly, it's good to see that you are giving each other, yourselves and your marriage a chance.
And remember: We men are often not quite as skilled at expressing ourselves as you females. So you have to be careful not to over-analyze some of what we say. Often, it is our behavior, not words, that most accurately foretell what we are apt to do.
Akaivyleaf,
I hope that you and your man reach a place that suits your mutual benefit. |
Soulofaauthor
Regular Poster
Username: Soulofaauthor
Post Number: 48
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 12:19 am: |
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thank you ABM you have a lot of words of wisdom I can already say that and see that your wife must be a very lucky lady.Akaivyleaf I also hope that things work out for you and your husband.Sometimes marriage is hard but if you really love the person I feel its worth working threw the problems.If you need some one to chat with off the board you can reach me at soulofaauthor@aol.com or the same nic at yahoo.com. good luck sister. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 278
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, June 01, 2004 - 12:27 pm: |
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Soulofaauthor,
I am glad to have been of some minor assistance. Although it is not entirely a vogue sentiment, I believe the foundation of civilization is marriage. It helps engender, stabilize and fortify almost all positive human interaction and production.
Married people typically live longer, healthier more prosperous lives (e.g., studies assert that +80% of all American millionaires have been married for +20 years). And children of married couples outperform their other children in almost every major statistical category. In fact, I think most of the problems we often complain about here and elsewhere are largely attributable to the wholesale breakdown of the belief in and fidelity to marriage.
So I will ad infinitum extol the virtues of matrimony.
That does not mean I discount non-married people. Often, circumstance beyond our control limit whether we can/should marry. Or we may rightly decide we ourselves are not suitable for being a spouse.
And sometimes, we must go our separate ways. A woman should NOT stay with a shiftless, abusive and/or cheating, husband. And man should leave a shrill, belittling and/or spendthrift wife. But when and where we Black married people CAN work through our problems, we should make EVERY reasonable effort to do so for ourselves, each other, our children and...our future.
PS: I have been the one most blessed by being married. Honestly, almost everyday, I wonder what the heck is my wife doing with a flea-ridden mutt like me.  |
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