| Author | Message | ||
     Susan Rating: N/A |
Oh, drama.  http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/lifestyle/q/chi-0306010355jun01,1,1762540 .story Book group hysteria Think it's just an intellectual exercise? When the naysayer, the babbler and the back-stabber join the club, the plot really thickens. By Abigail Pickus Special to the Tribune Published June 1, 2003 If you want to rile up Jill Jackson, remind her of the woman who practically ruined her book group. "She drove us nuts. I was like a crazy woman about it," said Jackson, a 34-year-old consultant from Arlington Heights. It all started when Jackson invited a former co-worker to join her book group--a dedicated group of women of various ages and backgrounds, who nonetheless have one thing in common: They're serious about books. "We scare people off. In 36 months we've read 33 books. This is really a priority," Jackson said. So imagine Jackson's unease when the new member started wreaking havoc on a normally harmonious bunch. The woman took issue with all of their decisions--meeting dates and times, the book selection process--and always had an excuse for not finishing the assigned book. Not that any of that stopped her from inviting eight men from work to join the club. "We're an all-women's group," Jackson said. And the kicker? This woman never attended a single meeting. Eventually this troublemaker moved away, but Jackson still hasn't recovered. "Actually, she's very nice, but she just has her issues," Jackson said. "I mean, you can't ask people, `What are your set of issues?' Because we all have them, so what it comes down to is, which ones work well together?" Sure, there are happy, fully functional book groups out there. But beneath the surface of many of these genteel literary gatherings are the theatrics and petty rivalries that are a Danielle Steel novel waiting to happen. "I have to deal with these kinds of problems all the time," said Rachel Jacobsohn, founder and president of the Association of Book Group Readers and Leaders, based in Highland Park. "How you respond to a book or the discussion has as much to do with who you are as it has to do with the book, so those people who come with real personal issues get in the way of really looking at the book," she said. So what is it about book clubs that leads to such group dysfunction? Is it the struggle to balance the need for freewheeling discussion with some semblance of structure? Is it the precariousness of creating a casual, friendly atmosphere that is prone to destruction the minute one attention-demanding member takes over? Whatever the reason, there are bad apples in many a book group, said Jacobsohn. "They don't want to go through the process," she said. "They aren't respectful." Jacobsohn, who has been leading book groups for nearly 30 years, is the author of "The Reading Group Handbook" (Hyperion, revised edition 1998). She has seen it all: the person who mistakes a book group for group therapy, the rambler, the naysayer. There's the one who never finishes the book but has the chutzpah to forbid anyone from revealing the ending. Then there is the Iron Chef syndrome, in which meeting hosts try to outdo each other in assembling menus to match themes from the chosen book. When former Chicagoan Rebecca Singer hosted book group night to discuss "Krik? Krak!" a collection of stories about Haitians, she went all out. "I made Jamaican stew and plantain chips and bought some Jamaican beer," said Singer, who now lives in Denver. Soon everyone was one-upping each other. Notable mention goes to the host for "Virgin Suicides" who made typical '70s fare: lasagna, garlic bread from a foil bag, and an iceberg lettuce salad with Italian dressing from the packet, according to Singer. And don't think these book group shenanigans are limited to meetings that happen in an actual physical space. Take what happened to Yasmin from Harrisburg, Pa., who is a member of more than one online African-American reading group. "I've been kicked out and have kicked someone out," said Yasmin, who is 44 and owns a bookstore. In one online group, Yasmin hit it off so well with a member who lived 1,000 miles away that the two met in person and became good friends. Then things got nasty. After butting heads over a business collaboration, Yasmin soon received an e-mail notice that her ex-friend had unsubscribed her from her group. But the drama didn't end there. Yasmin was still moderating her own online group (which her ex-friend left), and members started taking sides. One member was secretly keeping track of everything Yasmin said, to pass on to the ex-friend. So Yasmin did what she had to: She kicked out the mole. "I decided that online groups can have more drama than local groups because you're dealing with a lot of people every day," said Yasmin. There's plenty of juvenile behavior to go around in the real world too. Just ask Sue, a consultant who lives in Evanston. After a cadre of longtime friends joined her book group, she started to feel as if she were crashing someone else's party. "They were very `clique-ish' even though most of them were 40-plus. They had all of these in-jokes that other people didn't get and they would whisper side conversations to each other, so it seemed like they were making fun of you," Sue said. Because the club had started with a solid foundation--they were a group of lesbians who discussed books by women, often with written questions--Sue decided to try to re-establish some order. Big mistake. "I said, `What do you think about going back to the discussion questions?' and someone mocked me. I remember feeling so ashamed and embarrassed and I felt like I was 8 years old again," she said. Eventually, Sue quit the group and later started a new one. In the end, she remembered what is easy to forget in the thick of a dispute: Book groups are extracurricular activities. If yours is driving you nuts, you can get out of it. Join--or start--a new group. Or hope the troublemakers move out of state. That's what became of the havoc-wreaker in Jackson's group. "Now that she's gone," Jackson said, "there is love everywhere." Before reading, write the rules In many a book club out there, slights, unresolved grudges and lots of drama are coursing through the group like a deliciously naughty subplot. So what's a book lover to do? The first thing to do is to examine your club's very foundation, according to book group guru Rachel Jacobsohn. "It's all about respect of the individual" that is balanced with "policies set for the good of the group," said Jacobsohn. First on the agenda is what should seem obvious, but, alas, isn't: Decide if people want to meet to actually discuss books or as an excuse to chitchat, snack and watch "The Bachelor." Once the priorities are set, experts recommend setting some ground rules. "For unstructured book groups, my advice is to sit down at the inception of the book group, maybe have a special potluck meal and relax with a glass of wine, and bring up the rules," said Isabel Soffer of Glenview, who has been leading book groups for more than a decade. Such rules can govern how to choose the book, how to structure the discussion and how to deal with problem members. Once these policies are set, you can then keep people in line. "If someone is running off at the mouth you can say, `You're running off at the mouth,' or if someone holds on to their own interpretation and tries to railroad everyone, you can say, `Look at what you're doing. This isn't an inquiry. This is a process and you're spoiling it,'" Jacobsohn said. The same goes for the discussions that turn into nasty debates, which Jacobsohn says taps into something particular to book groups. "I call it owning a book: that how I feel about a book is the right way and how you feel is your right way. So when someone clashes with you it's not really the opinions that clash, it's the egos that clash," she said. Not surprisingly, professional book group facilitators argue that the best way to avoid falling into this trap is to hire a book group leader to keep order. But not every club wants a "leader," and those self-policing groups have to find tricks that work for them. "What always works for me is a light touch with a little humor," said Soffer, such as "showing an identification with a person and then maybe even putting my hand up and saying, `That's marvelous, but I think we better go on to such and such.'" -- A.P. Copyright © 2003, Chicago Tribune Susan | ||
| Tee C. Royal Rating: N/A |
Interesting article...and not all fact. -Tee | ||
| Tee C. Royal Rating: N/A |
Oops, didn't get to finish my thought, had to put Joy down. I did want to add that a lot of the article I do agree with and was quite surprised to see that this is prevalent in book clubs on and offline. I think the big thing is that some people join groups, not planning to meet expectations in addition to those who join only to see what they can "take" from the group...i.e. lurkers. It is indeed sad to see all the competition amongst various book clubs, the copy-catting, stealing of ideas, and information...the WORKS (and even folks convincing themselves that it was an original idea)! It amazed me at first, having gone through experiences similar to those mentioned above, but I've learned quickly to not trust every person claiming to be a friend, simply because they're in your group. It just makes you want to stand up and sing, "can't we all get along?" But unfortunately, life (and the internet) doesn't work like that. I've had some VERY BAD experiences with folks in online book clubs, and yep, it's made me a bit cautious, but it will NEVER stop me from doing what I do and trying to keep the drama out of my groups and removing myself from those people or groups that are drama zones. There are several folks that I've gone so far as to put on auto-delete so that my space isn't crowded by them and their negativity. This industry is big enough for everyone to get along, share information, and work together, but with various attitudes, different moral standards and upbringings, and cut-throat mentalities...it doesn't always work out that way. I commend all folks running book groups because it definitely takes work to keep them moving smoothly and free of drama. But my advice is to keep doing what you do...try your best to get past the drama, and focus on your ultimate mission. All that other stuff will fade by the wayside; and make you a stronger person. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!! Thanks for sharing Susan. -Tee | ||
| Sis E Rating: N/A |
Sis E here. That article was an eye-opener for me, and I feel a bit guilty because I joined one book group and only made two meetings. I did try to keep up with the readings. I inquired about another book club later on and read one of their books and lo and behold this most recent meeting for both clubs fell on the same night and the same time (Tuesday night). I didn't go to either one. Please don't beat me with a bookmark! | ||
| Cynique Rating: N/A |
Belonging to a book club certainly tries my patience. When we go around the room and ask everyone's take on the book selected for review, some members act as if they're so happy to be the center of attention that they never stop talking, going on and on, contributing nothing new to the discussion. Even more trying is how the moderator is reluctant to shut them up. I'm always the one to suggest that they cut it short, and this sometimes elicits a little resentment. This is the result of having 12 different types of women all together in one room, each one anxious to voice her opinion. I do plan to move on. | ||
| ABM Rating: N/A |
I have attended a couple of bookclub meetings, though I have never officially joined any (My wife would never let me spend that much unchaperoned time around so much forbidden estrogen.). Based on my observations, below may be the cause of some of the frequent rancor and antipathy. It is one thing for a woman to be allowed to sit in the warmth of her own home (in her most comfortable housecoat) and spew out random literary musings over an anonymous cyber highway. But it is quite another for her to have to adjust her tight schedule, get a sitter for the rugrats, get gussied up, brave road rage, tolerate childish giggling and vacuous chitchat with random strangers only to then be made to sit next to and listen to some know-it-all wannabe diva with a bad weave, halitosis and a stank general disposition, conceitedly tell her how wrong her interpretations of her favorite book are. Even some of the most reasonable women might lose it under those circumstances. | ||
| AsThePageTurns Rating: N/A |
Susan, I am cracking up at the article you posted. As a book club founder I have to admit is very hard to deal with different personalites and settle disputes amongst members. It can be very trying on your patience. I do have to also say that I would not trade my group for anything, they are very respectful of me and my wishes. Although some members have their ups and downs overall I think I have a really good group that most importantly has my back. Now in the cyber book club world, I have dealt with some things that I would have "taken to the street" had it been face to face . The lying ,stealing and perpetrating that is. I wanna toast to all the book club founders out there that are anti drama and who just want to get along. Nakea | ||
| Snake Girl Rating: N/A |
Sister E-- I heard you're a children's book writer and would like info on how to purchase some of your books for my 5 year old. Is "Sister E" the name on the books? | ||
| Susan Rating: N/A |
Hi Tee, You bring up some good points. My biggest pet peeve is those who join a book club and never seem to have time to read the book that's chosen for discussion. They come to the meetings with a million reasons why they couldn't or wouldn't find time to read the book. As if they are so much busier than everyone else on the planet. Most folks that I know are busy, self included. I know that every member won't be able to make all the meetings but some people got as many excuses as the day is long. If you've over extended yourself, seems to me, one should cut back, you don't have to your hand in every pot in the kitchen. Some people wear this title of being busy as if it's some kind of badge of honor. As if the world needs another busy body. Some appear to have confused nosey-ness with busy-ness. Another thing that I've learned is that most people online will say things to others that they would never say if they were in the same room with these people. They hide behind their computer screens and keyboards and act if they just don't have any home training whatsoever. There is no excuse for being rude and obnoxious. Granted they will try to rationalize, explain and/or plead why they behave as they do. But I don't buy wolf tickets, besides they're useless. People show their behinds and then have the audacity to try and get an attitude when others point at them and snicker or when told they need to cover themselves. I've been in a book club for years and we have never had members to behave like those mentioned in the article. If a member's ego is that big then they don't belong in our club. Such behavior wouldn't be either encouraged or tolerated. Such a person needs to go about their way and be the Queen B of their own book club because we don't do drama in our club. Susan | ||
| Susan Rating: N/A |
Sis E, you're excused this time. Just keep trying to find a club that's a good fit for you. I made a big mistake myself and joined a club online at msn.com and didn't think to ask to see a list of their previous book selections. Very bad move. Nakea, I thought the article was funny, too. And, good luck with your club. Susan | ||
| Tee C. Royal Rating: |
ROFL...y'all are TOO FUNNY; especially your post ABM! It makes me almost afraid to continue with the local group. But Susan, I'd like to believe that mature women don't act more like you mention in your group. And you definitely hit the nail on the head...they do need to start their own club and I do believe that that's why there are so many online book clubs and other groups popping up. People either think they can do it better, can't deal with not being the "leader", or possibly they can't deal with the drama. And Cynique, girl, I feel sorry for you. One of my pet peeves is repetition and I'd probably have to walk out if all the members kept saying the same thing and in long dissertations too? And Nakea, what a sweet message about your group! I think that's what I like about RAWSISTAZ as well. When drama pops up, most people know how to tone it down when I send out my "getting on track" messages to keep things out of the drama zone. I think a lot of people are so opinionated that they have a hard time accepting that folks don't agree with them. Additionally, email can sometimes come across the wrong way, so often times, it's misunderstood what a person really intended. All in all...I love most of my groups! Some have their off days, some just didn't do it for me anymore, so I left, and some...are merely duplications, forwarded messages, and the likes from other groups. What's the point? LOL. I like being in the pulse of what's going on, joining in on the discussions, sharing literary information; but when all that other stuff is introduced and it's not handled properly, it can really mess up a good group. Or even worse, when the moderator or owner sits back scratching their heads trying to figure out how to run their own group vs nipping problem members or off-topic posts get out of hand. Whew... It's great to have this dialogue. While the article was informative, I felt it only showed one side of Book Clubs and failed to also show how wonderful book clubs can be when you have the right people involved. People with the same mission & vision for the group. It should never be about one individual, but the group collectively. Enough for now... -Tee | ||
| Sis E Rating: N/A |
Thanks, Susan, for your understanding. I did manage to finish The Prodigal Husband, by Jacqueline Thomas, but I just couldn't get through Donna Hill's Ordinary Woman. loved that article. Can you see a movie adapted from it? Snake Girl, I just so happen to know where you can buy my books. Go to aalbc.com, click on authors, then children's authors, then my name.:-) | ||
| K Rating: N/A |
I've had really good luck with my reading group. Of course you have to keep in mind that people join reading groups for different reasons. I've found that people are so busy and this gives them a social outlet. As the moderator I remind new and exisiting memebers "We are here to relax" -code for this is ot a b**ch fest. So far we have been fortunate enough not to get caught up in the personality drama and competition. I've decided that one person that just won't shut up is lonely so I let it slide.Overall I think the reward is greater than the headache. |
