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Schakspir
Veteran Poster
Username: Schakspir
Post Number: 975
Registered: 12-2005
Rating: 
Votes: 2 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 09:38 pm: | 
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HOW TO BE A BAD WRITER (in Ten Easy Lessons)
by Langston Hughes
1. Use all the cliches possible, such as "He had a gleam in his eye," or "Her teeth were white as pearls."
2. If you are a Negro, try very hard to write with an eye dead on the white market--use modern stereotypes of older stereotypes--big burly Negroes, criminals, low-lifers and prostitutes.
3. Put in a lot of profanity and as many pages as possible of near pornography and you will be so modern you pre-date Pompei in your lonely crusade toward the best seller lists. By all means, be misunderstood, unappreciated and ahead of your time in print and out, then you can be felt sorry for.
4. Never Characterize Characters. Just name them and then let them go for themselves. Let all of them talk the same way. If the reader hasn't imagination enough to make something out of cardboard cut-outs, shame on him!
5. Write about China, Greece, Tibet, or the Argentine pampas--anyplace you've never seen and know nothing about. Never write about anything you know, your hometown, or your home folks, or yourself.
6. Have nothing to say, but use a great many words, particularly high-sounding words, to say it.
7. If a playwright, put into your script a lot of hand-waving and spirituals, preferably the ones everybody has heard a thousand times from Marion Anderson to the Golden Gates.
8. If a poet, rhyme June with moon as often and in as many ways as possible. Also, use thee's and thou's and 'tis and o'er, and invert your sentences all the time. Never say "The sun rose, bright and shining." But, rather, "Bright and shining rose the sun."
9. Pay no attention really to spelling or grammar or the neatness of the manuscript. And in writing letters, never sign your name so anyone can read it. A rapid scrawl will better indicate how important and how busy you are.
10. Drink as much liquor as possible and always write under the influence of alcohol. When you can't afford alcohol yourself, or even if you can, drink on your friends, fans and the general public.
If you are white, there are many more things I can advise in order to be a bad writer, but since this piece is for colored writers, there are some things I know a Negro just will not do not even for writing's sake, so there is no use mentioning them.
Originally published in The Harlem Quarterly (ed. John Henrik Clarke), 1950. |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 8359
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 10:38 pm: |
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LOL. Professor Langston Hughes concocted a formula for triteness! |
Troy
Veteran Poster
Username: Troy
Post Number: 589
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 12:21 am: |
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11. Never read another author's work. Don't fill you head with silly nonsense like different ideas, techniques, and style.
12. Go to jail first. All great authors have street cred.
13. Never waste valuable time honing your craft, that time is better spend on self-promotion.
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Urban_scribe
AALBC .com Platinum Poster
Username: Urban_scribe
Post Number: 419
Registered: 05-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 12:57 pm: |
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14. Don't bother learning about the business end of the publishing game.
15. Never research the market and check-out your competitition.
16. When you land a book deal, be sure to argue steadfastly with your editor.
17. Take manuscript rejection personally. Then use your blog to even the score by publicly dissing the agent/editor/publisher who rejected your ms.
18. Always mention in your query letter that your work is copyrighted. Don't forget to include the copyright symbol.
19. Always mention in your query letter that you had your work professionally edited.
20. Never include a SASE.
21. Don't bother learning industry standard manuscript formatting.
22. Pay no mind to submission guidelines. If publisher only accepts non-fiction, send in your novel anyway. Hey, ya never know. |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 8362
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 01:29 pm: |
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LOL. I'm particularly amused by the "copyright" caveat. So many writers think that others want to steal or plagiarize their "masterpieces". |
Chrishayden
AALBC .com Platinum Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 4186
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 02:43 pm: |
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And if you follow these rules you'll sell bunches of books and make a lot of money, which Langston never did.
Now what ya gotta say? |
Schakspir
Veteran Poster
Username: Schakspir
Post Number: 976
Registered: 12-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 02:50 pm: |
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23. Always submit your manuscripts in longhand.
24. Always fall in love with your own words and never heed any advice from well-meaning editors/other authors/your gut feeling, when it/they tell you that your shit is overblown and needs editing.
25. Write at minimum once a month; never once a week or better two or three times a week. Take your sweet time compiling your masterpiece. Better yet, don't even bother to write, just sit around in bars and cafes with other writer/manques, phonies and poseurs, saying that you ARE a writer. And be sure to dress like one--i.e., a Williamsburg hipster.
26. Be sure to call your editor/agent every day, as often as possible, even when he/she is sick or on vacation. Make sure you harass the holy f/uck out of him about your rag.
27. Get "there" and "their" confused constantly in your self-published novel. |
Troy
Veteran Poster
Username: Troy
Post Number: 591
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 04:18 pm: |
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28. Come up ith the most outlandish story you can, get someone else to write it, and call it your autobiography.
29. Get your kid to draw the cover of your book. It is cheaper than hiring a professional designer -- besides it is so cute.
...Chris, I know you know this, but after a certain point it is not about the money. Who do you think make a more meaningful contribution to society Robert Johnson or Langston Hughes. Who do you believe was more respected. Who do you think was happier?
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A_womon
Veteran Poster
Username: A_womon
Post Number: 1524
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 20, 2007 - 07:54 am: |
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30. After your agent lands the deal for you, don't send them a "thank you" gift-Hell don't even thank them they should be greatful you brought them your business.
31.Also after the deal, don't do anything else.Just sit back and relax, and wait for your royalties to pour in. do nothing to promote yourself or your book--that's the publisher's job not yours.
32. Don't forget to complain loudly and often to your agent that he/she didn't land you that six figure deal you thought you'd get for your very first book
33. Trash all the book reviewers who didn't give your book glowing reviews. After all, they are all too blind or too dumb to see that your book is really the "next big thing"! |
Renata
AALBC .com Platinum Poster
Username: Renata
Post Number: 2054
Registered: 08-2005
Rating: 
Votes: 2 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 20, 2007 - 08:56 am: |
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34. Dont bohter copyediting. Don't hte puslibher ahve their own epople four that. |
Always_lurking
Regular Poster
Username: Always_lurking
Post Number: 56
Registered: 02-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 12:31 am: |
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This is the best advice ever! |
Libralind2
Veteran Poster
Username: Libralind2
Post Number: 780
Registered: 09-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, April 23, 2007 - 03:55 pm: |
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roflll Renata..!!!!!
LiLi |
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