| Author | Message | ||
     Yvonnie First Time Poster Username: Yvonnie Post Number: 1 Registered: 10-2004 Rating: N/A |
TITLE: DO YOU CALL ME SINFUL? Do you call me sinful? You didn't seem to think so When I opened my dark gates To receive you... As I whispered my wishes So softly in your ear Saying words you longed to hear And moving to ensure each inch took its place... Within the walls of darkened gates Didn't see you resist.... As my tongue hit its target Wrapping itself around it. Long, dark chocolate vessel Causing eruptions within That flooded us both with nature's stream.. Didn't try to stop me.... As I drank deeply, albeit greedily Of waters that tasted of you Whilst I guided ebony hands To feel my flow. Didn't need direction As we changed our position '69' is a number we both love and know. Didn't need instrutions As your lips found their target Putting black lips around it Causing creamy flows As the spot of grace is found... So...do you still call me sinful? No? I didn't think so... Yvonnie 2002 Copy Reserved | ||
| Kola_boof "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Kola_boof Post Number: 465 Registered: 07-2004 Rating: N/A |
Yvonnie-- I usually don't do this...but maybe (hopefully) you're in school and would like some "creative" tips about how to render this "poem" for Maximum effect. Because what you've posted is not really a poem, it's not very good, and it's PREDICTABLE and it's banal. A "decent" writer...has a responsibility not to be "LAZY" with their art---and I have no doubt that you can produce something more evocative. Here are some "creative writing" suggestions for how to [Play with words]...in order to turn what you wrote into a POEM: Do you call me sinful? (**I'm not the devil; I just look like her) You didn't seem to think so When I opened my dark gates To receive you... (**Here in my temple of the two entrances/both day and night; Where your prayers dread my calling/Calling you) As I whispered my wishes So softly in your ear (**My psalm of sweet sin dripping into your mind like a baccart scar/soothing our holes of silence) Saying words you longed to hear And moving to ensure each inch took its place... Within the walls of darkened gates (**breaking this new day's earth with the God-head of your Tree Pipe/breaking this morning earth with screams of your victory) Didn't see you resist.... (**How could you deny me your prayers after that?) As my tongue hit its target Wrapping itself around it. Long, dark chocolate vessel Causing eruptions within That flooded us both with nature's stream.. (**This tongue like satin wrapping the master vine like catepillar leaves/balls of sunlight and rain falling like stars/Sparks of redemption/flooding my mouth like the white tide of joy/wrestling the lip into whirlpools of swallowing/Swallowing, stunning the dark inside...the bottomless whirlpool of your melted pearl--melting my face) POETRY...is about "language" and the use of it in a lyrical or psycho-social way. It's a "sin" to write an erotic poem...that's NOT erotic. You have to stop being LAZY and stop posting your first drafts and START really thinking of the "words" to use...to CONVEY....the feeling of what you're trying to say. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or denigrate you, but if you're planning on really writing POETRY, then you have to first respect the art form. | ||
| Kola_boof "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Kola_boof Post Number: 466 Registered: 07-2004 Rating: N/A |
I'm not the devil; I just look like her Here in my temple of the two entrances/both day and night; Where your prayers dread my calling/Calling you My psalm of sweet sin dripping into your mind like a baccart scar/soothing our holes of silence breaking this new day's earth with the God-head of your Tree Pipe/breaking this morning earth with screams of your victory How could you deny me your prayers after that? This tongue like satin wrapping the master vine like catepillar leaves/balls of sunlight and rain falling like stars/Sparks of redemption/flooding my mouth like the white tide of joy/wrestling the lip into whirlpools of swallowing/Swallowing, stunning the dark inside...the bottomless whirlpool of your melted pearl--melting my face | ||
| Yvonnie Newbie Poster Username: Yvonnie Post Number: 2 Registered: 10-2004 Rating: N/A |
Thank you for taking time out to respond to my piece. No I'm not in 'school'. I'm a person who writes sometimes and dares to call it 'poetry'. Poetry like any 'art form' is whatever the 'poet', painter or writer declares it to be. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your feedback and respect your point of view as feedback is always welcome and essential to growth. However my feelings flow in the way they flow - in a subtle and 'simple' way. If I was to write in any other way, I'd be writing like you, not me. As a minor point, it would have been 'respectful' to post your new piece on a fresh thread. | ||
| Yvonnie Newbie Poster Username: Yvonnie Post Number: 3 Registered: 10-2004 Rating: N/A |
ps: constructive feedback is one thing, but calling someone 'lAZY' and having no 'RESPECT' for this art form is RUDE and certainly does not fall in the realm of constructive feedback. As a new poster, I was very taken aback. | ||
| Kola_boof "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Kola_boof Post Number: 467 Registered: 07-2004 Rating: N/A |
Yvonnie, YOU HAVE TALENT. I'm not saying write like me. But I can tell that you have what it takes to do much better than that. MUCH. Poetry is about "words" and "language use". Develop YOUR VOICE, not mines, but develop your voice so that your work has some part of it that's shiny...not flat....and use your imagination, and more importantly----no matter how simple you wish to write, it still has to "resonate"--in other words the stanzas must hold light or fire. You wrote PROSE. And worse, your prose makes sex and sin seem boring and bland. Yvonnie....YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TALENT to be so lazy. Whenever you tackle something like erotica, people have a "physical" expectation to be either moved or amused. Be true to thine own self....but you need to start studying more "challenging" poets so that you can begin to bring DEFINITION to your own style. That's how the best writers learn to write...is by reading people who are really great at it. READ the poets "Gwendolyn Brooks" and "Sylvia Plath". I guarantee you'll see your own style begin to get sharper and more defined and your craftmanship will begin to show. | ||
| Kola_boof "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Kola_boof Post Number: 468 Registered: 07-2004 Rating: N/A |
And Yvonnie, your work IS lazy. This is a board where many, MANY famous authors, industry insiders, book editors, literary agents and book critics post EVERY DAY. More PROFESSIONALS are here than regular folks. You haven't even seen rude yet. This is aalbc.com | ||
| Yvonnie Newbie Poster Username: Yvonnie Post Number: 5 Registered: 10-2004 Rating: N/A |
...and Kola, YOU are RUDE. I might be 'regular folk' - nothing wrong in that - but I have manners and try to be careful when speaking to others. Evidently, not everyone likes to be tactful. I posted my piece for feedback, not to be attacked. Your feedback was good in many ways but you felt the need to use words I found offensive. It is my right to respond. No I'm not 'PROFESSIONAL', didn't say I was. I'm a 'regular' person who saw an opportunity to post some words on a board that looked welcoming....period. I wonder...aalbc.com, were you ever 'REGULAR' folk or did you come out of the womb a professional? This is my final comment to you Kola. | ||
| Moonsigns "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Moonsigns Post Number: 470 Registered: 07-2004 Rating: N/A |
Yvonnie, I love poetry because it is such a personal form of self-expression. The reader is allowed into areas of another person's heart that they wouldn't have discovered had it not been for the writers gift and willingness to share (so openly). It takes courage to be so vulnerable! Keep writing and developing your own style--your poem is beautiful! | ||
| Cynique "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Cynique Post Number: 1765 Registered: 01-2004 Rating: N/A |
Poetry is in the eye of the beholder. As a poet, Yvonnie is free to answer to none other than her Muse. | ||
| Abm "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Abm Post Number: 1992 Registered: 04-2004 Rating: |
Yvonnie, I think Kola offered you some worthy advice, though she did so in a less than tactful manner. But I also agree with Moonsigns/Cynique that you should follow your own artistic voice. Kola, You should have shared your excellent advice WITHOUT labeling Yvonnie as being “lazy”. | ||
| Lambd "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Lambd Post Number: 721 Registered: 01-2004 Rating: N/A |
Are you all growing up? I am surprised no one lambasted her for her references to sex. My god, are you people finally loosening up? I was threatened and horse whipped and people were crying foul! Oh well! That's another story. Kola gave Yvonnie some pretty good tips. She could have been nicer. But WTF? Its KOLA BOOF! Why would you expect different? Yvonnie: nice poem. Enjoyed the flow. Keep doin what chu doin! Find ya own voice.....My tips. My way. | ||
| Yvonnie Newbie Poster Username: Yvonnie Post Number: 6 Registered: 10-2004 Rating: N/A |
Thanks folks for commenting in your various ways. I appreciate it. As a first-time poster I've decided to post my 'regular' self elsewhere (laughing loudly). I'll leave this board to the 'professionals' like KOLA. This lady from England bids you adieu.... Y'all....remain creative and most importantly blessed. | ||
| Cuba_va Newbie Poster Username: Cuba_va Post Number: 5 Registered: 10-2004 Rating: N/A |
Yvonnie, do you. This personal experience is your personal experience. You tell it the way you choose to. Its your experience, Kola wasnt there in that bedroom with you as you were experiencing this very sacred form of passion, its your story baby, tell it the way you want. I Loved It. chao! | ||
| Abm "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Abm Post Number: 2016 Registered: 04-2004 Rating: N/A |
Yvonnie, Don't let Kola chase you away. Look at is this way: I famed/published author generously gave to you FREE advice about how you might be able to improve your poetry. For a fledgling writer, what can be better than that? And understand, Kola is like a rainstorm: You may not enjoy 'it' while it is in full bluster, but - if you are patient - you may come to revel amid the lush flora and fauna left in its wake. | ||
| Abm "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Abm Post Number: 2017 Registered: 04-2004 Rating: N/A |
Yvonnie, And what do you Brits think about another 4 years of US Pres. Bush? | ||
| Kola_boof "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Kola_boof Post Number: 480 Registered: 07-2004 Rating: N/A |
ABM said: And understand, Kola is like a rainstorm: You may not enjoy 'it' while it is in full bluster, but - if you are patient - you may come to revel amid the lush flora and fauna left in its wake. ****** ABM, you really do know how to own me. | ||
| Abm "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Abm Post Number: 2021 Registered: 04-2004 Rating: N/A |
Kola,  I say only what I know what is in my mind and heart to be true. But since you put it that way: I've got a pink leather crotch-optional teddy with your name written all over it. |
