| Author |
Message |
    
Tonya
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Tonya
Post Number: 3025
Registered: 07-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, July 13, 2006 - 06:36 pm: | 
|
Black women’s prospects for love are far too few
By Mike Seate
TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Monday, July 10, 2006
My cousin, Debbie Hart, used to date a fellow incarcerated at the old County Jail, Downtown, but his being behind bars didn't seem to be much of a detriment to romance. She was in love and often remarked that so many black men were doing time, finding one who was employed, available and free from the corrections system was almost impossible.
I thought long and hard about my cousin Debbie and how many other young black women I see coming and going from the jail when I drive along Second Avenue. They represent an unfortunate reality of African-American culture, one where one-third of all black men are either on probation, on parole, or doing time.
That means pickings are desperately slim for black women searching for life partners. And it goes a long way toward explaining why, one year after being released from prison, Thomas Doswell, 47, is in trouble with the ladies. Doswell, of East Hills, was freed by DNA evidence after serving 19 years in prison for a 1986 rape he didn't commit.
Since being released in August, he's been celebrated by inmates' rights advocates, written a play, attained a scholarship to the University of Pittsburgh and, apparently, courted by at least two Pittsburgh women. On Thursday, Doswell was ordered to stand trial for allegedly choking and slapping one of his girlfriends, Adrienne Young, 49, who leads the Tree of Hope crime victim's charity.
During the emotional hearing where lawyers for both sides attempted to portray their clients as victims, it was revealed that Doswell had filed temporary protective orders against both Young and Zaneen Sidney of Homewood. Doswell's lawyers blame both incidents on jealous women chasing after his client, which is an interesting defense.
But not as interesting is what this case reveals about how hard it must be to find an available black man in this city. I'm not suggesting that sisters avoid dating men who've done time or been in trouble with the law.
And I know that love can break down all sorts of barriers, including economic and social ones. But when a man who has spent half his life behind bars -- and might be headed back -- is considered a hot prospect on the local dating scene, you have to wonder why there aren't more options for Pittsburgh's single black women.
Mike Seate is a staff writer for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. He can be reached at (412) 320-7845 or e-mail him at mseate@tribweb.com.
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/today/s_461307.html |
Ntfs_encryption
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Ntfs_encryption
Post Number: 388
Registered: 10-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, July 14, 2006 - 02:01 am: |
|
Yawn................. |
Roxie
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Roxie
Post Number: 860
Registered: 06-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, July 14, 2006 - 04:24 pm: |
|
I love you tonya.
Fuck off, encryption. |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2455
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, July 15, 2006 - 11:03 am: |
|
This is America. There is no love save that of self. |
Dahomeyahosi
Regular Poster
Username: Dahomeyahosi
Post Number: 30
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: 
Votes: 1 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, July 15, 2006 - 11:23 am: |
|
I think black American women have plenty of options...they just don't consider most of them. Honestly there are many countries where black American women could go and find a marriage-worthy suitor on par with American men in terms of looks, respect given, earning potential, and willingness to work hard. I always suggest that West Africa be on the itinerary of any black American women who is intent on building a family with a black man. But few take the suggestion seriously. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 5087
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, July 15, 2006 - 04:11 pm: |
|
Dahomeyahosi,
Indeed. And I often then many African American MEN might benefit from marrying West African women. |
Mzuri
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mzuri
Post Number: 874
Registered: 01-2006
Rating:
Votes: 2 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, July 15, 2006 - 04:33 pm: |
|
And I think that some of these Black American women who are crying and moaning and bitching and complaining about how they can't get a man - need to get a new attitude. Who in their right mind would want to get with these negative ass bitches? Nobody - that's who. Not an American Black man and not a West African Black man. Go on and get you a vibrator and get happy, you no dick gettin heifers. And stop with the incessant complaining. Miserable ass bitches. |
Yvettep
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yvettep
Post Number: 1120
Registered: 01-2005
Rating:
Votes: 1 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, July 15, 2006 - 05:30 pm: |
|
I admit that I cannot relate to these types of stories personally because I have been married for over a decade. However, I hear too much from my single Black female friends and read too much research saying the same things to discount them. Plus, I am raising two Black daughters so I do wonder how the situation will look when they come of age.
Folks might be interested in this segment that was on NPR a while back: "African-American Women and Marriage Disparity" http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5495033 It's only 10 minutes or so, so it's worth listening to the whole thing.
Interesting, Mzuri, neither Ed Gordon nor the panelists mention the merits of electronic sex toys to help the situation. Perhaps you should drop Ed a line for a follow-up story on this aspect. LOL! |
Ntfs_encryption
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Ntfs_encryption
Post Number: 405
Registered: 10-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, July 15, 2006 - 06:15 pm: |
|
"And I think that some of these Black American women who are crying and moaning and bitching and complaining about how they can't get a man - need to get a new attitude. Who in their right mind.............And stop with the incessant complaining. Miserable ass bitches."
And there ya have it! That's a rap on this subject! Thank you Ms. Mzuri. You just saved me a long post. Your words ring with a chilling truth and harsh bottom line finality. Although I'm sure a few of the bitter sapphires will continue their tired and duplicitous bleating mantra of victimization and their group anthem of the: "He Did Me Wrong Song!"
It's much easier to project your failed life experiences on someone else rather than empowering yourself through discipline, learning from mistakes, refusing to be a victim and taking responsibility for your personal life.
I'm done.......
|
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 5096
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, July 15, 2006 - 09:42 pm: |
|
Yvettep,
Being the father of 2 young daughters, I share your fears. However, I also think Black women, especially younger ones, need to really take stock on whether or not they're helping to create and support the kinds of Black men they'll want to marry.
I OFTEN tell my daughters that that Bad Boy, fake Thug-type (you know, the wannabee Fitty Cents & T.I.'s of the world) who you think is cute likely are NOT going to become the kind of men you're going to want to marry and make babies with. |
Yvettep
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yvettep
Post Number: 1125
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 - 08:29 am: |
|
I OFTEN tell my daughters that that Bad Boy, fake Thug-type (you know, the wannabee Fitty Cents & T.I.'s of the world) who you think is cute likely are NOT going to become the kind of men you're going to want to marry and make babies with.
Agree 100%. I've probably said on this board before, but growing up I had a certain view of myself (e.g., bookish, nerd, music enthusiast, artist, pseudo-bohemian) and was, for the most part, attracted to/dated boys/young men who were similar.
Now, I did go through a phase at 2 points in my life where I dated guys who were more bad-boy/"thugs" types. But this was just a phase. Granted, being a "thug" back then was different than being one now--These guys maybe flunked classes, stole bikes, got into fist fights, served time in detention, stuff like that.
But what I am getting at, I guess, is that girls will likely continue to be attracted to the "wrong type" of males just as boys will continue to be attracted to the "wrong type" of females. Yes, there may be more serious consequences for the girls choosing wrong than for the boys. But I think these kinds of guys will continue to have a certain appeal.
I guess in the end, my husband and I will continue to try to instill the same message in our girls that you and your wife are instilling in yours. But I know that there may be times when they stray from this advice--The allure just may be a tad too strong. Unless cultural images change or peer group influences change, I can see a time in the future when one of our girls brings Rah'heem and his little shorty from a previous girl by the house. I hope at that time that I can grit my teeth, smile, and say a prayer and leave it at that. Hopefully time will bring my daughter back to our values and how she had been raised. Because I tell you: Nothing makes a bad boy even more appealing than a screaming reaction to him from your parents!
Oh well. No one said being a parent was supposed to be easy! I hereby apologize to my own moms and pops for all the teeth-gritting I may have caused them over the years! |
Moonsigns
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Moonsigns
Post Number: 1253
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 - 10:26 am: |
|
Abm and Yvettep,
I agree with you both 1oo%! And I think that continuing to do the things that you mentioned, Yvettep, will help to build a strong foundation--one that they can go back to, and respect, when they come of age to finally appreciate it. I know that no method of good "home-training" is foolproof, but it's always the best thing to do--as well as specifically point out the "types" of people you never want them to "bring home" or attempt to emulate.
|
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 5131
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 - 11:34 am: |
|
Yvettep,
I think back during our time and before, a Black woman could go through her thug-love phase and come out of it relatively unscathed. Such is NOT the case now.
Young women of today are - because of AIDS/STD's, DL brothas, Drugs, exorbinant incarceration/uemployment, low marital rates - forced to be considerate of things that you might have never even THOUGHT about.
That certainly does not appear right or fair. But that's the world we're in. And it's one that does NOT give much margin for error. |
Yvettep
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yvettep
Post Number: 1128
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 - 02:22 pm: |
|
You sound like my husband: "Smile and grit my teeth, my a**"! I do hear what you are saying. But in the end what can you do besides give them a foundation and send them out into the world? Maybe that's another reason why it is so helpful for kids to have two parents: One can be all "Don't you dare be bringing Rah-heem in this house and if you go out with him do not come home" while the other can be "Here's $20 baby if you need to take a cab home from the city."
I don't know. Unless kids or the culture at large changes drastically in the next 10 years or so, I think it is possible that there will continue to be some appeal for some girls for these kinds of boys/men at some period of their lives. Maybe all my and my husbands parenting decisions now and in the next decade will protect our daughters from all of that. Maybe because of the environments they are in it will never occur to them to "take a walk on the wild side."
I don't know. I like the metaphor of a "foundation," Moonsigns, and I think that is how I am looking at this whole parenting girls thing. I am in no way shy about communicating my expectations and hopes for them. Neither is my husband. But ultimately we will have to trust them to make their own decisions and hope that we have provided enough of a firm foundation, enough of a strong home base for them to return to. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 5141
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 - 03:14 pm: |
|
Yvettep,
Yep. Ultimately, the BEST we can do for our kids is provide them with a good "foundation", and may be soften their landing some when they stumble and fall. |
Moonsigns
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Moonsigns
Post Number: 1256
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 - 04:01 pm: |
|
Yvettep"
"I like the metaphor of a "foundation", Moonsigns, and I think that is how I am looking at this whole parenting girls thing."
Moonsigns:
Regardless if parenting males or females (we have both), I think the concept of having a healthy and solid "foundation" is important in rearing children. I know you have girls, Yvettep, and I think you'll like and appreicate this idea (if you haven't heard of it already). When my two older girls turned 13, my husband gave them "promise rings". On their 13th birthday (officially teenagers) he bought them each a ring to wear on their ring finger and wrote a letter in which he shared the rings purpose and his love for them as his daughters. The ring symbolizes three things. First, as a reminder to strive to remain sexually pure until marriage. Second, that he is their financial provider until they are able to complete school and live own their own. And, third, the model he provides as a man is what they are to strive for in a mate when they come to a point in life when they are ready for that responsiblity. Both girls were deeply moved by this gesture--it was obvious they felt very special, and they don't take those rings off for anything!
Again, I'm not saying this is foolproof, but it's just another way to convey the love parents have for their children, specifically a father's love for his daughter(s).
|
Yvettep
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yvettep
Post Number: 1131
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 - 09:57 pm: |
|
I absolutely love that, Moonsigns. Really lovely. |
|
Email This Page