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Batmocop
Veteran Poster
Username: Batmocop
Post Number: 51
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, June 09, 2006 - 09:56 pm: | 
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You know I've thought as of late that if I ever had something bugging me that I'm struggling with about relationships I should ask the question here. I guess if anything else y'all will make it interesting. Bear with me for a sec...
I'm working on a book right now about relationships. The name of the Book is I got all my Sistahs and Me. (please don't take this as a plug I have a publicist for that and I'm sincerely looking for dialog on this subject) It’s a story about how Black men won’t date black women and vice versa. In one instance we have a problem with men not being honest.
Here we go:
Problem:
All women hate it when their men lie. I've felt that a woman will tend to make a man regret telling the truth about something he is not particularly proud of, by letting him know by her reaction that he's weak. (Sometimes they come right out and say it)
So in turn a man tends to internalize his feelings until he can't do it anymore and then blows up at his mate for seemingly nothing when he's at his wits end. (Sound familiar?)
Question: Why can't a man tell the truth and be admired for it first, and thenbe administered to by the woman in his life, instead of chastised for being less than what the woman would accept for herself to be with.
This is not a question of a man acting like a child who needs his mother. But a serious hard working brotha who wants to be the man for the woman he's with, but let's say has some past issues not dealt with that are surfacing and becoming a problem for him to deal with.
Does he keep it all to himself? Or does he share his issues with his mate to find resolve together. Don't give a textbook answer. We all know what should happen, but it doesn't. Why?
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Mzuri
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mzuri
Post Number: 590
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, June 09, 2006 - 10:37 pm: |
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It depends. What are the issues? Was he abused as a child? Molested? Is it regarding infidelity? Is he gay? Was he in prison? Spill the beans!!!
You can make something up so that you're not posting anything proprietary. Okay. |
Tonya
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Tonya
Post Number: 2625
Registered: 07-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, June 09, 2006 - 10:49 pm: |
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If he can't tell her the truth, whatever it is, he should not be with her, that simple. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to trust the one you're with. This may sound textbook to some, but to others it's elementary and as normal as breathing--it's life.  |
Batmocop
Veteran Poster
Username: Batmocop
Post Number: 54
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 12:58 am: |
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Well making something up is counter productive. I think what I find troubling is that in the many men I've spoken to it seems consistent that there are things that are better left unsaid about their true feelings, especially when it comes to their true self. They would rather NOT say something that they believe would be held against them. Like "I have trust issues because of a past relationship" Some women take offense to the statement (apparently) because it seems they feel they are automatically being compared to another woman.
The things that I've been told really have to do with PRIDE (I believe) It seems the men are to proud to be seen as weak in the eyes of women, so they cover up issues they have with themselves so that they will never be used against them. Now I'm no psychologist I just do a lot of research for my writing, but this phenomena of lying to protect yourself from your mate is bizarre!
MZ it may be as simple as Low self esteem. I haven't interviewed any down-low bro's. As I understand it, the brotha's are really saying, "We have feelings too" I see that as a paradigm shift in the way men are viewed as a whole.
What I'm bothered with is the fact that MOST of the dozens of men I've spoken to believe that they need to keep their feelings to themselves, for fear of ridicule or exposure by their significant others.
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Mzuri
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mzuri
Post Number: 596
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 01:43 am: |
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Well of course there are things that are better left unsaid. Especially if it's going to hurt someone's feelings. And sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone.
I had a friend/co-worker a few years ago. He confided in me that he confessed to his wife about having had an affair with one of her girlfriends 20 years before. And now the wife was mad at him. And I'm asking this guy, why in the world would you tell your old lady about something that happened 20 years ago. It doesn't make sense. Because once you tell somebody some garbage, you can't take it back. They're never going to forget about it.
As far as trusting people goes. I'm not an expert but I've been around, and around, and from what I've seen - ppl are too worried about trying to be in a relationship. Constantly. So if something falls thru they are right back out there trying to hook up with the next one. And there's no type of a rest/break/down time period. They go from one straight to the next. Sometimes already with the next while they're still with the first. And it's impossible to develop a trusting relationship in this manner.
You develop trust by getting to know a person. Getting to know their character. Their values and principles. This doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. So if you take the time to get to know a person, as much as one can know another person, then you should be comfortable in trusting them.
Likewise, you, yourself, should also be trustworthy. If you're always sneaking around, got a lot of dirty little secrets, multiple sex partners, illegitimate children, criminal past - then you can't be trusted and therefore you won't be able to trust others. Oftentimes ppl who have trust issues, can't be trusted themselves. That's their main problem.
That also applies to opening one's self up. You have to trust a person and feel comfortable confiding in them your innermost feelings. Again, that takes time. If you just met someone three days ago and they're telling you their entire life story - they've got issues. It takes time to build the different types of trust it takes for a solid relationship. And oftentimes ppl don't want to invest the time to develop the trust in a relationship. And then they wonder why they can't relax, be themselves, talk about their intimate feelings, let the freak out when they're making love - if they took the time to build a solid foundation, then all the rest would fall right into place. Perfect place. |
Yvettep
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yvettep
Post Number: 1041
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 10:15 am: |
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One thing men have to develop--amongst themselves--are the kind of deep, trusting relationships with other men. A lot of times, when women do confide that sort of thing to their men, they have already talked about and processed it with mothers, sisters, sister-friends. Or, they have taken the plunge and explored therapy.
Men would benefit from having multiple forums to discuss feelings, from developing language to talk about feelings, and from learning how to self-reflect on painful aspects of their lives. This is not to say that their women should not "be there" for them. Only that it is probably not helpful to expect that a woman can or should bear the full brunt of these types of disclosures.
It's cool that you are having these conversations during your research. That says to me that men are ready and willing to open up to each other. But my hunch is that they are afraid of how they may be perceived by other men even moreso than by the women in their lives. What do you think?
That being said, I agree that too many women see "feelings" in men as weakness. For some of us, I think that stems from growing up on these daggon fairy tales about masculinity. |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2268
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 11:31 am: |
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Yvettep:
You need to stop watching Oprah. Real men don't have feelings. And if they did they know that to confide them to other men would be the kiss of death.
"I don't know," says the senstive Yvettep man. "Sometimes I think my nose is too big."
His manfriends thereupon give him a bonecrushing punch in the nose. "What do you think about it now, you punk!"
Basically men know nobody gives a flying fuck about how anybody else feels. We give the impression of caring about what women think about it because we know that it makes you feel better--or we are trying to get you into bed. Or we are using our little mancontrol, where we just tune out while you guys are prattling on, nodding and saying uh huh, because you don't really give a flying fuck what we really think, you just want us to agree so you feel better.
My old man was a typical man. He hated weaklings. When you complained he sent dooms so you learned to suck it up and either take care of the problem or suck it up.
Batmocop if you listen to her you are going to get stomped to death.
Get you a six pack and watch the basketball game. Cheer for your team or boo the opposition.
Totally acceptable display of man style emotions--
You will thank me. You will bless me.
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Yvettep
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yvettep
Post Number: 1042
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 11:36 am: |
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You will thank me. You will bless me.
And you will die of a heart attack, hypertension, or some other stress related disease with Mr. Hayden before you reach your 60th birthday.
But to each his or her own...
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Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2272
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 11:42 am: |
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Yvettep:
If I die like that I'll die like a man |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2273
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 11:44 am: |
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The truth. Tell your woman the truth, go to bed and wake up wearing an Al Green hot grits nightshirt-- |
Mzuri
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mzuri
Post Number: 598
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 11:53 am: |
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Y'all are so crazy. Chris, some of what you say has merit, but mostly not. Actually, it took me a damn near lifetime to figure out that -
Men do have feelings. AND MEN ARE FAR MORE SENSITIVE THAN WOMEN!!! Their egos, their self-pride, their feelings are so easily hurt and offended. All that macho garbage is nothing but a front.
I'll support the above statement by asking you this. In a relationship, if someone cheats - who is quicker to get over the infidelity? The man - or the woman???
Answer: The woman is quicker to get over the infidelity. A woman can accept that men are dogs and they are likely to cheat. They accept it, take him back, give him another chance, threaten to cut his balls off if he does it again, and drive on.
A man will never forgive or forget. He'll think about it constantly. Because his pride, his ego and his feelings have been hurt. He dwells on it constantly. He wonders if his d*ck is big enough, if the other man was a better lover, what did the other lover do that was different. Is the other lover smarter, richer, better looking. The relationship is doomed, because of men's sensitivity. |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2274
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 12:01 pm: |
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Right--a man of course, will do just what you say--until that good old lady lays that sweet sticky thang on him just like he likes it all the while cooing that stuff he wants to hear about how he's bigger and badder than anybody else and how she was only wanting to make him jealous and he is the king and he will forget who HE is.
A woman of course never forgets anything. She will bide her time. She will wait, fifty, one hundred years but when she gets that man where she wants him, she will make him pay.
Nice try, Mzuri.
Don't listen to her brothers! She's trying to set you up!
They all stick together! |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2275
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 12:06 pm: |
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You see, I'm a veteran. I know that thang don't belong to me. It's her thang. Do what she wanna do. I can't tell her who to sock it to--
All I ask is just some decorum. Don't do it in the house--I might get pissed if she didn't get some money off the sucker.
Hell, all a woman would have to do to for me after cheating would be to fix me a big mess of chicken (baked,fried, barbecued, boiled or stirred I don't give a shit)greens, cornbread, black eyed peas, sweet potato pie, gimme a fifth of champagne and give me a blow job while I was eating it and I would drive her to the motel the next time she wanted to cheat!
I didn't post that, did I? |
Mzuri
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mzuri
Post Number: 600
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 12:22 pm: |
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Well, you're in rare form today Mr. Chris Hayden! I ain't tryin to set nobody up - I'm speaking the truth. THE TRUTH!!! Ya heard?
That chicken-greens-cornbread-potato-pie-and-peas dinner might provide some temporary relief, but you know you're jealous a$$ ain't gonna get over your woman cheatin any time soon. You're just talking a bunch of smack because you don't want to admit that you're SENSITIVE!!! |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4522
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 12:27 pm: |
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Well, there's a difference between a wimp and a visionary. If the feelings a man wants to share with a woman are full of self pity and resentment and fear and paranoia then unfortunately this can be a turn off for a mate. But no woman would turn a deaf ear to man who shares his deep thoughts with her, - his philosophy of life or his theories about truth and reality, his secret desires, his quirks, his dreams for success or even the normal insecurities that plague everyone from time to time. A man's sex organ is his brain, not his penis so his impotence originates in his mind as does the cure for it. He should realize that his sexual prowess is his best asset, his ace in the "hole", if you will. He should understand that if he's a good lover, this amounts to a trade-off when it comes to other shortcomings. And, of course, a man who is able to focus outside of himself and offer a shoulder for his mate to cry on is a big plus. For a woman to know that her mate has her back is very reassuring and inspires trust and a desire to reach out to him and reciprocate. When creating a situation wherein he can bear his soul, a man should never under estimate the power of common sense and - viagra. LOL |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2277
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 12:29 pm: |
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Cynique:
That all sounds like it came from the back of a box of Post Toasties.
You know as much about being a man as I know about being the Taj Mahal.
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Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4523
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 12:39 pm: |
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Of course none of this would register with a neanderthal like you, chrishayden. Are you into bestiality? Sounds like your cup of tea since all you requires is an orfice and a creature obtuse enough to be able to not be bothered by the nauseating act of giving you a blow job. Trust me, I know enough about men to perceive that you are the antipathy of what any woman would want. You're undoubtedly a bust in the bed and as far as pillow talk is concerned a collosal bore. |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2278
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 12:44 pm: |
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"collosal"
ROTFLMBAO |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4526
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 01:15 pm: |
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Collosal: adj. syn: chrishayden. origin: old norse. Descriptive of any creature who has to roll on the floor and laugh their big fat asses off because they have no defense against the fact that they are ignorant and sub-human. |
Batmocop
Veteran Poster
Username: Batmocop
Post Number: 56
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 01:26 pm: |
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Damn! You guys are all over it. I will tell you that the things I've heard (and learned) are all being echoed here. However, Chris is right about one thing, men have no desire to tell other men that they hate it when they C#M too fast when they meet some new girl. Or that when their wife tells them they need to get their teeth fixed and their breath stinks it hurts their feelings. (These are just two examples I've pulled out)
But they also have no desire to get put on blast by their women because they don't do or feel the way a woman feels they should.
What you are not right about Chris is that men don't have feelings. Let your wife get caught playing the skin flute on your best friend at a party at your house, and see if your draws don't get tied in a knot. That S#it is gonna hurt and you know it!
MZ you are right, I see now that men are WAY more sensitive than women, only women will almost never know because men are experts at sucking it up and driving on. That's why they bring stuff up from the past. As long as they dont say anything apparently some women take that to mean everything is okay. I realize now that there are serious communication breakdowns between the sexes that neither of them realize.
Yvettep you are mostly right about men being able to benefit from "sharing " but what you don't know (and I've seen it but never realized) is that men do it all of the time! But it's with their homey women friends. The ones that know all of their secrets, and the ones they confide in. Those women know way more about them than their wives/girlfriends. It's obvious that the reason for this is because those women don't Judge. They are just there (sometimes lurking in the background) waiting to pick up the pieces when that super macho guy falls flat on his face because he was getting to close to 40, and his wife/girlfriend traded him in for two 20's...
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Mzuri
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mzuri
Post Number: 603
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 01:53 pm: |
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I can't stand a nigga that ain't up on his personal grooming. A brother should know when his breath stanks. Why should his woman even have to address it. God gave man the intelligence to develop toothbrush, paste, floss, mouth wash, etc. for a reason. Brush and floss and keep your tongue clean. Is that too much to ask of grown ppl???
When I meet someone who doesn't maintain their mouth, I hate to wonder about the rest of them. And I can't stand a man with dirty fingernails. Drives me nuts. That and stinky hair. Ugh!!! |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4527
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 02:07 pm: |
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Jeeze. What a bleak picture you paint of black men, batmocop. You make them sound like a down and out bunch of wussies full of low self-esteem and sexual dysfunction. How widespread is this "affliction". You seem to be overlooking the whole segment of black playahs out there, loving and leaving women, or the black professionals who have their pick of women just dying to please them because they're good catches. And conspiciously absent in your assessment is how, when it comes to sistas, these poor ol self-absorbed brothas could benefit from developing some listening skills of their own. |
Batmocop
Veteran Poster
Username: Batmocop
Post Number: 57
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 02:33 pm: |
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Don't get me wrong Cynique. These are just very specific examples of things I have talked about, from a very specific control group. I was asking about the phenomena of men believing that they can't tell their significant others the truth about their feelings. I discovered the problem by them bringing it up when asked "What is the one thing that you can't stand about your sig-other? Now I strait out ask the question. "Can you tell your wife/lover/girlfriend anything about you. I was shocked when I learned that the answer is overwhelmingly no.
This discussion wasn't a be all end all, it was a question of validity as it pertains to my conclusions. I could start a hundred threads on the good that we do for each other but no one seems willing to celebrate what Blacks do right together. Personally I believe just talking about small problems like honesty allow us to at least see what others think as compared to we do individually.
Every one of us knows that we are a strong race of people. Each of us both Black Men and Black women do dirt. It seems that there is a section of “innocents” that seem to be caught in the middle. Black men as a whole are neither weak or wussies. They are simply seriously misunderstood, grossly underappreciated as a whole and suffer from having to live up to the strongest men in our women’s lives. Their fathers (My generation) We (Men) don’t always help ourselves when we do things that get us in the headlines at the Beauty shop. But we are some righteous Em Effers when it comes to being there and being strong when we are.
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Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4528
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: 
Votes: 1 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 03:38 pm: |
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Well, batmocop, the lack of communication you describe is not limited to black people. It transcends race. All men and women have a hard time sharing their innermost thoughts; all men are burdened with the onus of living up to what their women and the world expects of them. It all has to do with how their brawn allowed men to physically dominate women. But they began to withdraw emotionally once they realized they could not mentally control a woman and it went down hill from there when males further realized that showing their feelings would expose their weaknesses. This scenario has become imprinted on the male psyche from day one, and man's need to maintain a macho image is at the root of most of the problems of the world. However, this is not to say that we cannot dramatize and personify this eternal dilemma. Doing so does make for provocative reading matter. |
Batmocop
Veteran Poster
Username: Batmocop
Post Number: 58
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 06:46 pm: |
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"Doing so does make for provocative reading matter."
it damn sure does! But I'ma do us rigt by this book, because it's one thing to point out the problem, yet it's so much more when you can show an avenue to help resolve it...
BatMo-> |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 4659
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 01:32 am: |
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Batmocop,
We men must learn to abstain from investing too much of how and what women feel, think and do into their sense of self-esteem (and that INCLUDES discovering she's fuhking some other dude).
I know that's difficult to do because we're bred to strategize and arrange our lives around pleasing a woman, getting laid, etc. But, ultimately, that shyt gets us into some SERIOUS trouble and limits our capacity to evolve and succeed.
The lying thing I find fascinating. Because women will often require Franciscan monk-like truthfulness from men and be lying their a$$e$-off to the men all the while.
I think a man should be truthful. But I also think that same man should be prepared to be FEARED and LOATHE by MOST women he'll ever meet. |
Msprissy
Regular Poster
Username: Msprissy
Post Number: 45
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 11:19 am: |
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Batmocop, I coming to your question about black men vs. black women from a different angle. This was an experience I had Friday, June 9, so it's fresh. Let me say up front that I'm a writer so you can appreciate where I'm coming from.
See also my post on the movie "Diary of an Angry Black Man."
Still minding my business on my way home, a woman sat beside me on the bus and proceeded to tell me her life story. Her "boy friend" is getting out of prison after 14 years and they are getting married immediately. Said she can't wait to see her man (he is the father of her only child). She has their future all planned out now. They're opening a tailor shop on the south side--they both sew. He writes, will help her write a book about his trial and the lost evidence-a car. The car was towed, placed in the wrong area and was crushed! She said it should have been placed in the evidence area. As a result, she said, he was convicted without any evidence. Yes, he killed a man but she KNOWS it was self-defense, he just panicked and ran. He turned himself in a McDonald's in Wisconsin. She said she's been working for City Hall for 10 years in the deeds department. She related her story during a 30-ride. It was well rehearsed in her mind. She didn't miss a detail or a solution to problems that someone obviously put to her. I think she mentioned her grandmother warnng her.
At great risk, I suggested that the first thing they should do when he's released is get a physical. She said inmates are tested for HIV/AIDS every 3 months.(??).
That was my only comment to this woman except to wish her the best.
No lie! Tell me truth is not stranger than fiction. |
Batmocop
Veteran Poster
Username: Batmocop
Post Number: 61
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 12:34 pm: |
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Yeah, you are right Msprissy that's some pretty deep truth...
ABM there are a ton of guys who believe exactly what you are saying. I love to write about our own hypocrisy, it's shared by both genders. You guys have helped a lot. I still don't have a definitive answer, but maybe there isn't one. Life is an amorphous thing; it will do as it does, and we follow suit accordingly. The parameters in which we can live are wide but specific. So you will see trends, but you will always have that person who found the far corner of this life who thinks different from the rest having not been spoiled by their social expierience. Maybe we lie because it’s necessary, maybe we’re expected to keep a certain façade. Either way it is strange how being less than honest can keep a house in order.
BatMo->
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Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4529
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 12:47 pm: |
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Ms Prissy, I found your account with your fellow passenger very interesting. But, is it really an example of truth being stranger than fiction? 99 percent of the men in prison claim to be innocent and they all have gullible women out there who believe in them and are waiting to help them start a new life when they get out. "Hope springs eternal in the human heart." |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4530
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 01:20 pm: |
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ABM and batmocop: honesty in a relationship can involve nothing more than one party relieving their guilt by confessing their past sins thereby shifting to the shoulders of their mate the burden of having to forgive or forget. The idea that "what a person doesn't know won't hurt them" is certainly an option to consider when entering a new relationship with the intent of starting off with a clean slate. And of course, women as well as men bring baggage into a realtionship. But it's the primitive male ego that prompts men to want to know the precise number of a woman's previous bed mates. And so it goes. |
Mzuri
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mzuri
Post Number: 608
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 01:41 pm: |
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OMG. Men want to know how many other lovers we've had.
Okay ladies - repeat after me and practice this line (unless you are a virgin).
"I've only been with one other man besides you dear. And we were to be married. Unfortunately he died in a tragic automobile accident on his way to the chapel. I . . . I'm so upset about it. I just can't talk . . . *SOBS* . . . c-c-can't talk about it. Please let's not talk about it again. Sniff."
LOL!!! |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 4662
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 02:55 pm: |
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Ladies,
In over 30 years of boning, I've NEVEREVEREVER asked a woman ANYTHING about her sexual past. That simply hasn't and doesn't come to my mind. |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4532
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 03:21 pm: |
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So, ABM, how many women have you boned over the past 30 years???? If this all occurred before your marriage, did you share your sexual history with your wife? Do you consider yourself a typical black male? If so, then why is the subject even germaine. Obviously it's all about the individual. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 4665
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 03:35 pm: |
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Cynique's: "So, ABM, how many women have you boned over the past 30 years????"
None of your business.
Cynique's: "....did you share your sexual history with your wife?"
Other than some premarital HIV/STD testing and queries about whether the other has engaged in and/or has had homosexual desires and acts, we've seldom talked much about when and with whom we've screwed prior to our marriage.
Cynique's: "Do you consider yourself a typical black male?"
That's very difficult for me to say, Yay or Nay. But I don't think I'm ATYPICAL.
Cynique's "...it's all about the individual."
If that is truly what you believe, then why are you (and, apparently, Mzuri) alluding to some "primitive male ego that prompts men to want to know the precise number of a woman's previous bed mates."? |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4533
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 11, 2006 - 03:57 pm: |
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Well, the question of previous sex partners relates to batmocops's speculations about lying being harmful to a relationship. And, I have an inkling that although a man may not ask how many, he wonders about it, and may very well consider it significant if his mate seems unduly experienced in the art of making love. His primitive male ego can also be the reason he won't ask the how many preceded him for fear of the number being high and thus, leaving him open for unfavorable comparison. |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2279
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 10:42 am: |
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All:
I will wash the dishes.
I will take out the trash.
I will cook.
I will clean.
I will do the laundry.
I will change baby diapers and babysit.
I will mop floors.
I will can preserves.
I will not communicate. There will be none of that shit.
One should never ask anyone about their sexual history. They are just going to lie, anyway. (Especially if they are somebody whose initials are C-Y-N-I-Q-U-E) Just wait. It will all come out in the wash. That's why you should never jump right into a relationship. |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4536
Registered: 01-2004
Rating:
Votes: 1 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 11:44 am: |
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Like you and your goof ball self know more about this subject than anyone else, chrishayden. I just celebrated my 50th anniversary on June 9th and the one thing my spouse and I do is to communicate. This involves arguments, compromise, and mutual respect. It also involved affairs, which in later years we discussed in great detail and laughed about. And the ability to take these things in our stride was what brought us together from the beginning because above all else, we agreed that love was not about possession it was about allowing each other to grow. My husband is quite ill now but he still gets a kick out of my surfing the net because he knows I'm up to no good. In turn, I take good care of him and it's the easiest thing I've ever had to do. |
Doberman23
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Doberman23
Post Number: 399
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 01:22 am: |
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happy belated anniversary cynique..he's a lucky guy. |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4576
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 12:43 pm: |
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Thank you, Doberman. You're such a sweetheart. Even when I don't agree with you, I find you so entertaining that it doesn't matter. |
Ntfs_encryption
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Ntfs_encryption
Post Number: 215
Registered: 10-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 04:52 pm: |
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"In over 30 years of boning, I've NEVEREVEREVER asked a woman ANYTHING about her sexual past. That simply hasn't and doesn't come to my mind."
Sounds like a solid philosophy. Why take the chance of hearing something you may never be able to get over? What is past is past. Deal with the current relationship of the person you are involved with. Attempting to uncover and dredge up your partners past sexual and romantic relationships will only get your feelings and ego hurt. What would be the point of needing to know? |
Ntfs_encryption
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Ntfs_encryption
Post Number: 216
Registered: 10-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 04:57 pm: |
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“I just celebrated my 50th anniversary on June 9th and the one thing my spouse and I do is to communicate.”
Congratulations Cynique. You are truly lucky to have such an enduring relationship. Unfortunately, the number of young married couples today that will experience such an enduring relationship as yours, will be in the “single percentage digits”. Again, congratulations.
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Batmocop
Veteran Poster
Username: Batmocop
Post Number: 64
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 08:12 pm: |
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Awe Cynique, Congrats really! When I grow up I wanna be just like you. (Of course I'll be 90 by then) But You are truly an inspiration for the 50% who's marriages don't work out.
BatMo-> |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4582
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 17, 2006 - 11:21 am: |
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Thanks to all of you who congratulated me. I didn't anticipate that mentioning my anniversary would elicit such sentimental response. And I hasten to assure that I don't set myself up as an example of how to stay married for 50 years. In fact, I think of my approach as an alternative method to the conventional ways of hangin in there. I will add that it pays to keep in mind that grass always looks greener in other pastures - until the fall season approaches. |
Rustang
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Rustang
Post Number: 388
Registered: 04-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 17, 2006 - 11:33 am: |
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Congratulations, Cynique.I know that it is no small accomplishment to stay together for that long.My wife and I have been together for over 40 years and the only thing that I would add to what you said would be that sometimes you have to just overlook your spouse's stupid behavior.I sure do appreciate my wife extending that courtesy to me and lord knows I've had to do it on more than one occassion. |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 4585
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 17, 2006 - 12:13 pm: |
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Thank you, Rustang. I'm adding your name to the list of anti-dotes for chrishayden. |
Brownbeauty123
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Brownbeauty123
Post Number: 324
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 17, 2006 - 04:21 pm: |
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I've asked guys that I hadn't known for long how many women they've been with. Never got an honest answer, but it doesn't hurt to ask.
In return I tell them the truth.
Most women expect men to be up in the double digits when it comes to sexual partners.
My guy friend has been around the block a million times, but he always says that when he gets married he wants "virgin". A woman that hasn't been touched. |
Moonsigns
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Moonsigns
Post Number: 1183
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 17, 2006 - 10:54 pm: |
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If I weren't married and seriously interested in a particular male, I would definitely want to know how many partners he has had--no details, just numbers. For me, it's a health issue--I value my health!!! The more women a man has been with the greater the chance he has been exposed to various STDS. And while I may not get the whole truth, if I were to get the vibe he's a dirty-dirty, and my intuition is usually on point, I'd kick his ass to the curb. Also, I've found that men who whore around tend to have extremely fragile egos and/or are perverts. |
Brownbeauty123
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Brownbeauty123
Post Number: 326
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, June 17, 2006 - 11:56 pm: |
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Men who are "whoremongers" tend to be the most sexist type of males you come across. They tend to have the most unbalanced double standards when it comes to women.
I hate it when a promiscuous male will run through as many women as possible but when he wants to settle down he wants to chose a "virgin" or a woman who has had very few sexual partners. |
Ntfs_encryption
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Ntfs_encryption
Post Number: 224
Registered: 10-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 05:29 am: |
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"I hate it when a promiscuous male will run through as many women as possible but when he wants to settle down he wants to chose a "virgin" or a woman who has had very few sexual partners."
Naaawwwww...! You don't really mean that do you? Are you suggesting promiscuous men have double standards? |
Batmocop
Veteran Poster
Username: Batmocop
Post Number: 69
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 12:39 pm: |
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Personally, I don't know of any grown men that want the responsibility of deflowering any woman. If you marry a virgin you have the possibility of setting yourself up for failure when her friends talk her into believeing that there is always "so much more out there" than the good man they have.
A woman who has been there, done that is more preferable to a male because he doesn't have to teach her anything. By that time she has figured out her likes and dislikes, as well as her strengths and weakneses. It empowers a woman to have been around the block a few times. Aside from that, people are getting married for the first time much later in life.
The whole whoremonger thing is rediculous. Todays black woman is exactly the same as yesterdays black male. They choose who they want to sleep with, and they put a knotch in that bedpost just like we do. They knock em down in the same numbers that we do! Hell, who do you think it is we black men are sleeping with??? |
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