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Afroerotik
Newbie Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 22
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, April 19, 2006 - 11:10 pm: | 
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I think it's very important we have a conversation that addresses parenting skills and how to best change the things that aren't currently working. I have not been blessed with the honor of having children. I would love nothing more than to be a mother and I’ve given my love to two wonderful young ladies who mean to the world to me in the role of mentor. I think I need to put my feelings on virtual paper because there is a huge problem with raising our children and it affects us as a community.
First of all, I would say that this whole continued insistence that, “race doesn’t matter” when dealing with raising children is nothing but complete and utter bullshit. To quote my esteemed colleague, Cornel West, “RACE MATTERS.” Black children have a different history that has created a different cultural mindset, a different set of life challenges and obstacles, and Black children have a different way of learning than white children. It’s terribly uniformed and dangerous to assert that raising our children in the same way that white people raise their children is in any way healthy. We are different. We should celebrate those differences, not try to deny them, and not try to conform to a standard that is unhealthy for us as a people. Saying we are different and saying we are inferior are two vastly different things. Black people would rather be like white people and conform to their dysfunctional standards as opposed to saying that we are different and equal and we have patterns and behaviors that are unique to us that are just as valid.
To be very honest with you, I’ve not met many good parents in my lifetime. In fact, I can’t say that I’ve met any really good parents in my lifetime, I’ve met some who are doing better than others but the instances of that are extremely, extremely rare. To be a healthy parent, you must first be a healthy individual. That doesn’t happen in this society. People don’t heal themselves of their own issues before they become parents. People don’t establish themselves as whole and complete individuals before they have children. People hold on to the patterns and behaviors they have and justify them and pass those dysfunctional beliefs on to their children as if they are award-winning parents. I know a woman who is raising a single child. She yells and screams at her child, calls her names, and beats her. Never mind that her child is being damaged because of her abusive treatment. This same woman goes into serious bouts of depression during which time; her child has to become the parent, caring for her mother’s emotional well-being. The mother is in and out of two-week fuckships with different men at least once a month. She is severely overweight and probably the most slovenly, nasty housekeeper I’ve ever seen. The child has no healthy male role model in her life. The mother doesn’t budget her money for bills, rather she buys clothes and shoes for both herself and her child because she wants to feel attractive. She allows the child to live in filth and never holds her accountable. She treats her child like an adult, talking to her as if she is an equal. She SWEARS up and down that she is a GREAT, FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL mother because her child gets straight A’s in school. If she had dealt with her issues of abandonment, if she had dealt with her issues of depression, if she had dealt with her own mother’s unhealthy parenting skills before having a child, she would be a much better parent. She didn’t however so she sees her mothering skills as perfect. She became a mother without dealing with her own issues first and she has emotionally scarred her child for life who will grow up raising her child in the same dysfunctional way and claiming to be a great mother as well.
I’m sure everyone who took the time to read that is saying, “Yeah, she’s a horrible mother.” It’s easy to point the finger at other people when the example seems so blatant. Everyone can look at that example and say, “well, I’m a good housekeeper, so I’m a good parent. I’m married, so I’m a good parent. I’m a republican with money in the bank and send my kids to private school so I’m definitely a good parent. I’m not like that at all, I’m a good parent.” The truly good parent could look at that and say, “I’m guilty of repeating behaviors that my parents inflicted upon me and I’m working desperately to confront those issues.” There aren’t many people who can do that. Have you dealt with being called Black and ugly in the third grade and how it hurt you and shaped your self-esteem? Have you dealt with the child molestation you were subjected to or are you continually saying, “It doesn’t matter, it was my fault?” Healing ourselves takes a lot of work and it hurts like hell. People don’t do that before becoming parents. People pass on their hurt, dysfunction, disappointments, and dramas to our children and claim it’s good parenting because “that’s the way I was raised.”
If I’m ever blessed with the opportunity to have children, I will make very concerted efforts to raise them with standards and principles that I feel are healthy. They include
1. Discipline, not beating. Black people swear by the belief that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child. I couldn’t disagree more. Beating a child doesn’t do anything but instill fear, anger, teach aggression and emotionally scar the child. It teaches the child that the person who is responsible for caring for you is going to hurt you. Discipline is teaching your child to be accountable for their actions, that there are repercussions for bad behavior, and that they can be assured that their parents will not stop loving them but demand better behavior without abuse. I will administer discipline to my children with restrictions, punishments, and restitution. Teaching a child to make amends for their wrong doing is a much better lesson for them to learn than beating them with a belt until whelps form on their legs.
2. Developing a sense of community. It is imperative for my children to know that their world exists beyond their bedroom. Teaching a child to give unselfishly to others will help them become a well-rounded adult. My children will volunteer at the senior citizen home, will clean up the inner city abandoned lot to make a garden, they will work with the homeless. They can only benefit exponentially by seeing the humanity in other people not like them and growing from the interpersonal relationships with others.
3. Developing imagination. There will be little or no television in my home. If there is, it will be severely restricted to one hour a day at most and I will control the content until they are at least 14 years old. Stimulating different areas of the brain are essential for raising intelligent children. Doing puzzles, arts and crafts, speaking at least one other language, extensive reading, playing musical instruments, and putting on plays will all be required for my children to ensure that they can use logic and reason to figure out situations and not be subjected to linear thinking. They will no see images of violence or sexuality in my home and at all and my husband and I will talk to them about every single instance of it that they are exposed to when they are out in the world.
4. Honesty. I learned a long time ago that it’s very hard to tell the truth to a child. My niece was an inquisitive little girl. She would ask some of the most difficult questions and the inclination of her mother and grandmother was to lie to her. She would figure out eventually that they were lying and that has a tremendous effect on the psyche of a child. I swore I would never do that to my children. Being honest takes a lot of work. It’s admitting that you have flaws; it’s admitting that you aren’t perfect. It’s showing yourself to your child in a very human and frail light. Being honest with your child teaches your child to be honest. It teaches them how to navigate through life with integrity. Being honest about sex, being honest about drugs, being honest about the pitfalls of life enables a child to make informed choices when difficult situations come their way.
5. Holistic, healthy living. Children today have so many diseases, so many health concerns, I will make it my priority to have my children have a diet based on fruits, vegetables, and organic food. We will have a set mealtime and they will not eat fast food, processed food, or microwaved food. Food will be prepared together as a family. Meditation will be a daily part of our life together as a family. Meditation is the single most important part in raising a spiritually healthy individual. Exercise, fresh air, and lots of water will be essential for us as a family.
6. Structure. It is essential if children are to develop into healthy adults to have structure, dependability, and routine. There will be a set bedtime, chores that they must do every week, and consistency in their lives. They will know that they will always have a roof over their heads, that they don’t have to move from place to place, that there won’t be a string of different men in and out of their lives, that there will people to come to that aren’t flighty, unstable, or undependable.
7. Raising children to be beautiful inside, not outside. In this beauty-obsessed culture, we raise our girl children to be beautiful. We put them in pageants, we dress them up in clothes that are miniature sizes of adult clothing, we reinforce how pretty they are, we in essence reinforce that their self worth comes from their straight hair, their fingernails, their butts. We raise out sons to seek the external beauty of women as a reflection of their manhood. We teach them that they are more of a man if the woman they have on their arm who is coveted by other men. In my home, our children will not wear expensive designer clothing, reinforcing that clothes make the person. They will be made to judge people on the content of their character and not their attractiveness to the eye. They will be rewarded when they are kind, compassionate, honest, and genuinely concerned about the welfare of other people. They will be told daily how beautiful they are with their naturally nappy hair, how beautiful their thick nose and wide lips, I will reinforce to them that dark, ebony skin is beautiful and that there is no need to chemically or surgically alter their bodies to be beautiful. They will be raised that material possessions are superficial and have nothing to do with a person’s value.
8. Respecting them as individuals, not replicas. My mother doesn’t like me because I’m not like her. She wants a miniature version of herself and if I have other thoughts, other ideas, other ideologies, she wants nothing to do with me. I will honor and respect my children’s choices if they are made logically, with reason, and they can validate their choices as not being harmful to themselves or others. I will make a vow to have humility and communicate with my child and not judge them based on my values, but the values they form as citizens of the world.
9. Teaching productive behaviors early and often. The patterns your children have now will be what they will repeat as adults. If you want to raise your daughter to be independent, not to have to sleep with men in order to get her bills paid, have her do the household budget with you. Let her see that money is not an infinite source and that the gas bill has to get paid before she can get that pair of designer pair of shoes. Our sons need to know that they have to communicate their feelings without attacking others or deflecting responsibility so reinforce with rewards when they do the right thing. All too often, we hit them when they do something wrong but we don’t reward them when they show integrity. We reward them for getting good grades or for nothing at all but we must reward them for showing signs of maturity and responsibility.
10. Being the best me I can be. My growth as a human being, as a spiritual being doesn’t end with the birth of my child. I will make a commitment to my children and my husband to continue to heal my issues, to challenge myself to grow as a person, to admit my mistakes. I will continue to learn from others, to expand my horizons, and to hold a higher vision of myself up to the light so that I will not become complacent.
I will continue to pray that I will have the chance to share my life with a partner and raise happy, healthy, well-rounded, Afrocentric children. I will continue to pray that I will have the strength and the endurance to keep them safe from harm. I will pray that I can give them the foundation to grow up to be intelligent, compassionate, grounded adults.
Copyright 2006 Scottie Lowe fantasies@afroerotik.com
Tired of seeing black women being portrayed as bitches, freaks and whores, and black men as thugs, dogs, and pimps, she decided it was time to show black people in a positive sexual light. Ms. Lowe is the sole owner and founder of AfroerotiK, a company dedicated to eradicating the negative and stereotypical depictions of Black sexuality and providing customized, personalized erotic stories for and about people of color from an Afrocentric perspective. Her website blossomed out of relative obscurity with her relentless commitment to spread her gospel of erotic enlightenment by word of mouth and grass roots efforts of self-promotion. The AfroerotiK online community has grown to almost 18,000 members and serves as a very active and outspoken forum for members of very diverse opinions to share their perspectives on many controversial and taboo subjects.
Ms. Lowe has a strong sense of commitment and cultural perspective that drives her to question the status quo and to fight to dismantle the vestiges of oppression, racism, and discrimination that exist today. Academically trained in African and African American Studies with a concentration in psychology, Scottie Lowe writes extensively about issues that affect the Black community. Scottie Lowe is a very poised, articulate, outspoken advocate who brings an unapologetic and unique perspective to the discussion of Black sexuality. |
Rastafurious
Regular Poster
Username: Rastafurious
Post Number: 30
Registered: 02-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, April 19, 2006 - 11:28 pm: |
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have u thought of doing a book |
Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata
Post Number: 970
Registered: 08-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 12:10 am: |
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Yeah, write a book. I know it would be GREAT. I PROMISE you I would buy a copy and inform others about it! |
Kola_boof
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Kola_boof
Post Number: 2000
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 12:18 am: |
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Afroerotic,
you know I'll give you a blurb for your book cover if you do write a book of essays sister.
And I know two EXTREMELY powerful agents in New York who probably would be interested in a book on the issues you're writing about on these boards.
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Afroerotik
Newbie Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 24
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 12:18 am: |
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I have already written a book that I’m trying to get published right now. It’s a collection of 12 stories that address serious issues that we face in the Black community woven into complex tales of erotica. It is an amazing body of work because it shows the full spectrum of the Black experience without any degrading or stereotypical imagery. There are no depictions of Black men as dogs or thugs, there are no instances of women exchanging sex for goods or services or stealing anyone’s man. Each and every story is diverse and intricate and weaves a compelling tale. These stories redefine black manhood and create a different paradigm that facilitates better relationships. I address the wounds of black women that continue to hold on to this “strong black woman” archetype that continues to alienate us from healthy relationships. I’ve tried with no success to get black publishers and agents to publish my book but they’ve made it very clear that they have no interest in my project. I’m approaching white agents now and they seem to be anxious to sign me at first query. Say a prayer for me that I’m able to get my words out to facilitate social change. |
Afroerotik
Newbie Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 25
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 12:27 am: |
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Kola, you already know you are mentioned in my book. Any assistance you can give me towards getting published would be appreciated beyond words. You can email me and we can communicate and I can share with you my proposal and frustrations. Thank you. |
Kola_boof
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Kola_boof
Post Number: 2002
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 12:39 am: |
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Hey girl, I've lost your email.
email me at: kolaboof@gmail.com
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Lil_ze
AALBC .com Platinum Poster
Username: Lil_ze
Post Number: 80
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 02:06 am: |
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im not giving an opinion about the first post. but why do some of us feel we need a "book", in order to raise emotionally healthy children? if two people who make the decision to have children, need a book to tell them how to raise healthy children. then i think that says alot about these people who have children. parents need a book to teach them how to raise healthy children? what about the two parents coming together a deciding together how THEY are going to raise their healthy children. do not parents have enough confidence in themselves to raise their children without a book? to say that there needs to be a book on how to raise healthy children. is to say that black parents do not have enough wit to raise healthy children. i don't feel there is a "blueprint" or a "book" that can teach anyone how to raise healthy children. all parents have to take responsibility, and figure out how they are going to raise their children. no parent should look toward a "book" for this. i know my great-grandparents and grandparents didn't look toward any book on how to raise "healthy" children. they came together and did it themselves. without any "book". |
Afroerotik
Regular Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 27
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: 
Votes: 1 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 06:48 am: |
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Your parents could have used a book, a seminar, a workshop, and a retreat. |
Roxie
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Roxie
Post Number: 797
Registered: 06-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 08:39 am: |
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Religious and inspirational passages are spoken every morning at the shelter in which I work. It definitely helps the ladies (not to mention the staff ;) ). Our people need all the inspirtation we can get and your words definintely help!
Publish!  |
Roxie
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Roxie
Post Number: 798
Registered: 06-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 09:00 am: |
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Guess what lil_ze? Some parents DO need a book.
Especially when so many families today are in crisis. However, what worked for other people's grandparents may not work for their own generation (such as dealing with mental illness, domestic violence, and drug abuse or sexuality) and now some people are desperate for outside help.
But people forget, books are only to be taken as SUGGESTIONS, not CANON LAWS, and parents ARE free to pick and choose the info they want.
Sometimes books offer ideas and concepts that family members would have never thought about otherwise and change how the family gets along for the best.
Trust me old people' experiences often hurt more than help. Had my mother listened to HER Aunt, I'd be on the street right now.
Thank you mom, Screw you, Aunt. |
Moonsigns
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Moonsigns
Post Number: 1107
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 10:22 am: |
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Afroerotik,
I hope one day you're blessed with children--you will be a wonderful parent!
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Afroerotik
Regular Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 34
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 11:30 am: |
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Ohh, Moonsigns, I'm afraid my biological clock has clicked, clacked, and clucked. I'm 40 with no signs of a partner in the near or distant future. I have to start resigning myself to the fact that it's not going to happen. If by some miracle it does, I'm going to do everything I can in my human power to raise a healthy, well balanced African centered child. I can't get my hopes up however because without a partner it's not going to happen. |
Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata
Post Number: 974
Registered: 08-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 12:56 pm: |
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Well, no offense, but I'm not into erotica, so I probably wouldn't by "that" book. But if you wrote a book on the mental/emotional health of black children, I'd DEFINITELY buy it. |
Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden
Post Number: 2087
Registered: 03-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 01:17 pm: |
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A book ain't gonna do anything. You learn how to raise children by watching how your parents and others did it--avoid doing wrong what they did wrong and do what they did right.
Having children is a responsibility. A terrible one. If you are with that kid and a meteor falls on that kid you are going to be the one asked why he got hit because you are an adult. Imagine you have a kid and he or she grows up to be a serial killer. Then you sitting around wondering how you screwed him up.
People look on this as sort of a game. As some sort of fairy tale situation. It can be horrible.
If you didn't have parents that did it or didn't see anybody else or didn't have any brothers and sisters don't have any children. You won't get it right.
If you don't have any children that is the breaks. There are plenty of parents who could use some help and plenty of children who could use a mentor a big brother or something else.
If it don't fit don't force it. |
Brownbeauty123
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Brownbeauty123
Post Number: 142
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, April 20, 2006 - 01:59 pm: |
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Afroerotik,
How come you never got around to having kids?
Don't worry about your age, it seems as though women are having children much older nowadays--and healthy ones at that.
Would you ever consider having kids through artificial insimination? |
Afroerotik
Regular Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 35
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 01:26 am: |
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Just Curious Renata but why wouldn't you buy a book of erotica? |
Afroerotik
Regular Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 36
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 01:29 am: |
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I'm not going to be a single parent. I was a fatherles child and I know how I suffered trying to make men love me because I didn't have a father. I see far too many men who were fatherless who have the emotional maturity of a six year old. No thanks, I'm not selfish enough to have a child without a healthy, loving, stable, committed, strong relationship in place first. |
Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata
Post Number: 980
Registered: 08-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 11:03 am: |
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I'm just not that all into reading it. I have enough going through my imagination (erotica and other). Also, I'm quite a prude. But I don't judge other adults who like it. |
Afroerotik
Regular Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 40
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 11:31 am: |
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I find it incredibly fascinating that black women either embrace the whore archetype or the vestal virgin. Neither one is healthy. I'm convinced my book is needed in order to heal the diseased perceptions that handicap our wholemess. Thanks for the feedback. |
Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata
Post Number: 981
Registered: 08-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 12:36 pm: |
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I have no problems with whores or virgins. I'm just....I don't know...cold, emotionless, disinterested, indifferent towards all of it. I'm not a whore, nor a virgin. Just in between. |
Brownbeauty123
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Brownbeauty123
Post Number: 149
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 07:36 pm: |
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Is emotional abuse more common among black women?
Recently, I looked back at my childhood and have finally realized that I was abused (emotionally, and somewhat physically still am). But during that time I considered that emotional abuse normal because a lot of my black girlfriends in middle and high school had mothers who used the same malicious behavior to discipline them. I thought this was apart of growing up, and that you have to put up with this until you get older and move out.
Do you think that because so many Black girls are used to being physically hit, when they simply disagree with their mothers, and talked down to that this stems from the stereotype that White mothers are weak? And will put up with anything?
I wish emotional abuse between mothers/daughters would be discussed more often than the typical 'beaten and thrown in the closet' type abuse. Because emotional can effect you so much more, especially when its from your own family members. |
Afroerotik
Regular Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 41
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 10:51 pm: |
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Brownbeauty, this is the sort of conversation that I want my writing to inspire. My mother was every sort of abusive you can be to me EXCEPT sexually abusive. She still negatively affected my sexuality in that for years I didn't understand that I could or should have my emotional and physical needs met by a man. I was so intent on proving to him that I was "good enough" that I would endure sex that wasn't pleasant, endure sex that wasn't satisfying, endure sex with men that I really didn't like because I felt so shitty about who I was as a person and a woman because my mother beat my emotionally and physically to the point where I felt so unlovable, it was all I could do to feel like I had some value in life. Ms Renata saying she doesn't care about sex pains me because we should feel good about sex, we should be enjoying it with partners who are worthy of our sensual gifts. Brothas are de-evolving emotionally and criticizing black women every step of the way for not backsliding with them. Those of us women who are fighting to find value in ourselves, who are committed to finding spiritually and emotionally evolved men, are left with few choices.
The point I was trying to make about my book is that in each story is woven the things we need to talk about. There is a story of a light skinned sista who refuses to be pigeonholed into the pretty but empty package category and stands up and makes a statement for the beauty of Black women, in every shade. There's a story of a woman who has a man come back into her life who has DOGGED her out in the past but he's truly made miraculous growth as a person and she has to figure out if she can forgive him after all the pain and heartache. There's a story of a brotha who has a wife who can never say anything positive about him and how he crafts a situation in which she must examine her belief systems that make her so bitter. There are men who love being a husband and father, there are men who are tired of wearing the macho mask all the damn time, there are men who aren't afraid of women who are sexually free. There are all sorts of messages in this book that will not only arouse the sense, but stimulate conversation as well. We have to talk about the Black woman who has lived a life of austere sacrifice who has never allowed herself to be sexual, we have to talk about the sista that doesn't like white men, is not attracted to white men, is desperate for a brotha in her life but finds a white man that fits her. I'm bold enough to BLATANTLY tell white men to kiss my ass in my story that challenges the notion that sistas are nothing more than toys to be used to fulfill white submissive fantasies. I want people to start having conversations after reading this book. Yeah, people will be aroused by the sex, of course. However, after the sex, after the pictures, I want people to start healing their wounds and having dialogue that will transform relationships.
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Moonsigns
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Moonsigns
Post Number: 1113
Registered: 07-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 11:32 pm: |
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Afroerotik,
I have really enjoy reading your posts thus far, they are thought provoking! You have a way of conveying your ideas in a manner that is raw--but also very warm and sincere. It's obvious that, not only what you share but how you share comes from a place that is centerd and whole.
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Brownbeauty123
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Brownbeauty123
Post Number: 152
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 11:44 pm: |
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Afroerotik,
Your abuse sounds like the kind that I have endured from my own mother, and still do. And yes, my mother did all kinds of abuse except sexual.
I did not know that being emotionally abused could affect your sex life. I thought what my mother did just ended at home, and that was it. And just within these past few months, I have realized what she has done affected my sex life, social life, and most of all my self worth. I can go down the line of all kind of malicious behavior my mother used against me for the sake of discipline. But she felt her behavior was justified because all my finanacial needs were met--I had a roof over my head. And since I had shelter, food, and water, everything else she did was justified, and I had to put up with it. If I were to truthfully point out her abuse, she would get defensive go into a rage, and bring up all the necessities that kept me alive. And I could not argue that.
I've looked up emotional abuse on the internet, and the majority of it is always spousal abuse. Rarely, the ones involving a mother inflicting emotional turmoil upon her teenage-adult daughter. There was one page I did find describing emotional mother/daughter abuse, which my mother fit to a T. It scared the hell out of me. All these years, I thought her rage, and cursing my sister and I out after a long hard days of work was normal.
A lot of Black mothers do this. It should really be brought to light more often.
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Brownbeauty123
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Brownbeauty123
Post Number: 153
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 11:50 pm: |
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Afroerotik,
You think that if by one's mother berating her at every chance she gets, can affect a young woman's sex life?
Like you're mother coming home, tired, frustrated, and she starts to curse you out without mercy over the floor not being swept? Or there being no lemondade in the fridge? |
Afroerotik
Regular Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 42
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, April 22, 2006 - 01:06 am: |
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My mother pulled me out of the bed one night by my hair at 2 am because I had left some food on one of the dishes when I washed them. She hit me in my face and made me rewash the pan. It was a glass-baking dish and after I washed it, it slipped out of my hands, fell and broke. At that point, I got a whole nutha beating. I endured treatment like that my entire life.
Once, I went to the theater with my parents to see The Wiz. My step dad, who was her adulterous boyfriend at the time, made a comment that was inaccurate. I, in my youthful exuberance, ran and got the playbill and showed him where he was wrong. My mother hit me so hard and so many times in my mouth that my lip started bleeding. That of course prompted the beating I got because I got blood on my brand new dress.
My mother's favorite punishment was not talking to me. She and I would live in the house for weeks, literally weeks, and she wouldn't speak to me. I was required to say good morning and goodnight and those would be the only two words that would transpire between us. She would leave notes to communicate to me. If she didn't hear me say good morning or goodnight, I would get a beating and or course, if I didn't do my chores good enough, I would get a beating. At that point, she would tell me how worthless and retarded I was and how I ruined her life and we would go back to silence for weeks on end.
Ask my mother to tell the story, she was a FANTASTIC mother. She not only provided a roof over my head but a trip to Spain, ballet and piano lessons, she sacrificed for me to be a spoiled child. I guess he thought too much communication in our relationship would make me unappreciative.
Moonsigns, thank you so much. I have only been a member of this fourm for a couple of weeks but I haven't seen any love being spread in here. In my group, I like to gibe praise and encouragement when I have to discipline and reprimand. I do so because I want people to have a better way of life. I'm accused of bashing every day but what I'm doing is trying to heal our wounds. |
Kola_boof
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Kola_boof
Post Number: 2016
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, April 22, 2006 - 01:10 am: |
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OK Afroerotik,
I don't know if you missed my post up above with my email---but I lost yours last year.
So the only way for us to have contact is by mailing me: kolaboof@gmail.com
Hope you're well.
KOLA
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Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata
Post Number: 984
Registered: 08-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, April 22, 2006 - 05:47 am: |
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I'm sorry about your upbringing Afroerotik, that was terrible.
You may have misunderstood me. I feel GOOD about sex, during sex. I'm not quite THAT cold, LOL. But otherwise, I'm just not passionate about it. I fantasize about a lot of different men (my husband even knows that), but enjoy it just with my husband. Otherwise, my passion and what I feel more emotional about is philosophy and human rights. I fantasize about men and sex, but fantasize MORE about traveling and speaking different languages and being able to help people in Africa. It's just a personality difference, it's not quite that serious.
I am happy that I was raised by my particular mother. I was raised in a single parent household also, but I was raised to have confidence in myself; to speak up for myself; to believe that I'm too good to accept being mistreated; to believe that I SHOULD want a man but not to NEED a man so much that I will take just ANY man; that I'm beautiful and intelligent and any man who doesn't think so isn't good enough for me anyways; to think that girls have every right to be just as prissy and spoiled as they want; to believe that women NEVER take out the garbage, lift anything heavy, work more than 8 hours a day, etc, unless she's single or doesn't have a brother/cousin/boyfriend living nearby who will do it for her; to never choose a man over your children, etc. And the most important thing she taught me is that even she doesn't know everything, and that I should think for myself and keep in mind that everyone has wisdom and even children are wise enough to learn some things from. |
Afroerotik
Regular Poster
Username: Afroerotik
Post Number: 43
Registered: 01-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, April 22, 2006 - 09:34 am: |
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Renata, I would suggest that believing that girls have every right to be just as prissy and spoiled as they want; that women NEVER take out the garbage, lift anything heavy, or work more than 8 hours a day, etc, unless she's single or doesn't have a brother/cousin/boyfriend living nearby who will do it for her are EXTREMELY dysfunctional ways of thinking. No one has a right to be prissy and spoiled, read narcissistic and self-serving. Taking out the trash, lifting heavy things, and working more than 8 hours a day do not diminish a woman's worth even if she has a man. Relegating men's roles in life to grunt workers is objectifying them and reducing their humanity. I know I know, you are going to tell me that I'm wrong and I misunderstood and that's not really what you believe but you couldn't explain it in a message on the internet . . . I know I know. Fact of the matter is, you are holding on to ridiculous definitions of manhood and womanhood that don't foster true intimacy and connection, they foster superficiality and inauthentic relationships.
Slavery was a motherfucker. It instilled in us all of these ridiculous rules about what a woman and a man should be and we never think to question them. A partnership, a relationship should be based on bringing your best qualities to the table and having your worst ones balanced my your mate. Fixing the sink, mowing the lawn, or taking out the trash doesn't diminish a woman's value any more than crying, sewing, or being a stay at home dad diminishes a man's worth.
You believe what your mother told you, it works for you, and you aren't going to change your mind. Perhaps there are other's however out there, reading and not responding, that are willing to expand their consciousness to shed some of the ridiculous rules of what a man and woman should be and how they have to behave and look to the core essence of a person and not some silly rule about taking out the trash.
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Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata
Post Number: 985
Registered: 08-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Saturday, April 22, 2006 - 05:22 pm: |
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Actually, I am quite narcissistic. I admit that. I'm hardly shallow in what I look for in others (as friends, lovers, etc.) Before my son was born, I spent most of my time volunteering for organizations (girl scouts, the ATL airport, the gay and lesbian youth center, and a women's shelter, among others). I must say, however, that I married a guy that thinks like my mother did (his FATHER taught him the same thing, and his mother never worked a day in her life, not ONE day), so it all worked out. I work now because I want to, not because I have to. That (to me) is one of the perks of being female.
Ridiculous, perhaps. But it works for us. |
Va_sis
Veteran Poster
Username: Va_sis
Post Number: 52
Registered: 02-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, April 24, 2006 - 09:37 am: |
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Renata,
the only thing that bothers me about situations that you happen to find perks in is that:
all too often women are dogged out or find themselves recycling men based on their ability to provide for them, because they can't "fend" for themselves.
What worked for you & your mom is great for you & your mom. I'm glad for you that it did.
However, my mother & I were raised to have our own and to do for ourselves. Despite the fact that they were wonderful providers, the last thing that my father & grandfather wanted was for us to become over-dependent on men. |
Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata
Post Number: 1002
Registered: 08-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Monday, April 24, 2006 - 11:34 pm: |
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I'm quite independent...when I WANT to be. The money I work for is MINE.
Men that I'm interested in don't HAVE to take care of me if they're unable, but they have to WANT TO take care of me.
For me, it's an indication of whether or not they'll want to be responsible for their children. I've ASKED my husband to take a break and stay at home with our son for a while. But he WANTS TO take care of us. That's all I really want, someone who WANTS TO take care of his family. He's the kind of guy who I don't mind if he lost his job, because I know in his heart he really wants to take care of his son.
And "dogged out" my ass. If he ever were to hit me, I know where to find the door. Letting your man take care of you has nothing to do with taking crap from him. |
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